


Mindless Mumblings

by SchrodingersShanu



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Moving On, Some Humor, kinda nsfw, texts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:08:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23376664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchrodingersShanu/pseuds/SchrodingersShanu
Summary: Dior's life is simple: She meets Dodo, she falls in love with Dodo and then she dates Dodo. But then Dodo leaves her behind for another life in another country and after that, well, her life is a little less simple.AKA a drabble-ish scattered Yeojoo/Dior centric-fic featuring kinda NSFW scenes.THE ANGST IS VERY TEENY TINY. THE FIC ISMOSTLY QUIRKY. YOU CAN TRUST ME. I PROMISE NO SAD ANGST.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Lee Minhyuk/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 31
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dior's life is simple: She meets Dodo, she falls in love with Dodo and then she dates Dodo. But then Dodo leaves her behind for another life in another country and after that, well, her life is a little less simple.
> 
> AKA a very mumbly and scattered Yeojoo/Dior centric-fic featuring kinda NSFW scenes.

"You need to get a job, you know?" Dodo says while rolling her sleeves up, her tattoo of piano keys wrapped in roses peeking out.

A sigh leaves my lips as I put my burning cheek against the counter, the coldness seeping through my skin, dissolving the thickness at the back of my throat.

"I have a job," I murmur into the cold marble.

On the other side of the bar counter, Dodo smiles at the girl while handing her a drink. "Hope you are enjoying your night."

 _Oh, she is,_ I think as I see the girl give her a shy smile in return.

Dodo turns around to take out a bottle from the shelves behind her. "That's an internship where you are getting paid in peanuts. Fuck, can you even afford peanuts with your 'stipend'?"

I turn my face downward, smushing my nose against the freezing bar counter. "Fuck you."

"I don't fuck poor people."

I roll my eyes.

Someone clears their throat beside me and I turn my face sideways to find Dodo's regular - or the bar's new regular customer who only seems to visit during Dodo's shift - Yeojoo looking exhausted.

"What are you doing here?" Dodo asks in surprise. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who had come for a surprise visit.

Yeojoo shrugs. "Just felt like having a drink."

Dodo looks at her for a silent moment, the cacophony of the bar playing like an over-popular song in the background. "You don't drink during the weekdays."

"Rules are meant to be broken or something."

Dodo shakes her head in amusement. "My shift is over. Just let me change and then I'll join you two plebs."

"Yeah," Yeojoo responds, sitting on the chair beside me.

I find myself staring at her, more out of tiredness than a conscious effort, when she meets my eye, probably feeling my gaze on her.

"Hey," I say, giving her an awkward little wave. The first rule of getting caught? Own it.

Her smile is amused rather than offended, and I feel myself relax. “Hi.”

"I think this is the first time that we are talking," I say to keep the conversation going.

"Oh. Now that you say it, for someone who has seen you sit here so many times, I do believe this is our first time talking."

She says it in a thoughtful way like it was truly a revelation for her that she hadn’t thought of before. I nod back, used to fading into the background whenever I was around Dodo. It was almost comforting.

She keeps smiling and the conversation halts as we take a sip of our drinks. I prolong the last sip just to have something occupying my mouth so that I don't say or do something stupid.

"You have a lovely voice."

"Huh?" I ask, startled.

"You have a really lovely voice. I always thought that whenever I heard you talking."

"Oh. Thank you." The sudden compliment takes me by surprise and I lower my face further into my arms to hide my flushed cheeks.

All this while, she keeps looking ahead at nothing instead of at me and I take that freedom to observe her because even though I knew of her and had seen her in passing, this was the first time that I could observe her this up close.

Her compliment had flipped a switch inside me. Instead of fading into the background like she - and other people do for me - she was suddenly in my focus and my interest was piqued.

The angle of the lights in the bar made her profile light up and I realized that she was really pretty. From her upturned nose to her high cheekbones, it was like she was carved with a sharp preciseness that was almost intimidating. Then she grinned at something and her lips parted to give way to a broad smile, her cheeks lifted, her eyes squinted until they were small crescents and my heart - always a sucker for a pretty smile - squeezed inside me.

With her broad grin, her sharp features softened, and I felt warm even though it wasn't directed at me but at Dodo who taps my head.

"I was making silly faces, you missed them," Dodo says.

Yeojoo looks at me, her grin mellowing into a soft smile and I quickly look away.

"What do you mean? Isn't that just your regular face?" I reply, a little belatedly.

Dodo takes the chair beside me and instead of sitting on it like we other plebs were, she straddles it and wraps her arms around me. After a second, she hunches over slightly to give my ear a soft peck.

I lift my head to let her manhandle me until my head is tucked under her chin and I am lying in a weird 60-degree angle, feeling comfortable and warm as you do in weird angles and in your girlfriend's long arms.

It wasn't until her oversized sweater had completely enveloped me in its warmth that I realized I was cold.

I raise my chin to demand a kiss and she obliges by squishing my cheeks and kissing my forehead.

With a giddy smile on my face, I look ahead and see Yeojoo watching us with a soft smile on her face.

"I am glad that you guys are doing good."

"We are. Just celebrated our third-anniversary last week." Dodo says and then kisses the top of my head and I burrow further into her arms.

"That's nice," Yeojoo says with approval.

Now that Dodo had me wrapped in her arms, her chin on my head, I let the tiring day catch-up to me. I feel myself drifting away, my eyelids shutting with sleep, both of their soft voices acting as a lullaby.

***

**A year later**

"That's the last box," I say as Dodo takes the box from my hands and puts it in her trunk.

Dodo looks at me, running her hands through her now short hair.

I clench my fists and feel my short nails digging into my palms. I let the pain ground me in the moment, keeping my tears at bay even though my throat feels clogged up with emotions so heavy that for a second, they feel almost fake as if I was talking myself into more pain than I actually felt.

Dodo presses her lips."I guess this is goodbye then." She lifts herself on her toes and then lets herself drop with a bounce.

I nod, too afraid of breaking into tears if I tried speaking.

What's there to say anyway? Everything that could be said has already been said last night. Last week. Last month.

From the day that we decided to break up before Dodo left for another country for her Masters and possibly her whole future, we have already said everything that could be said.

I had promised myself that I’ll not turn this goodbye into a sobfest but suddenly, there’s this gripping feeling of anxiety nagging at me that there are so many things that I still haven’t said, that I have to get on my knees and confess my undying love and give Dodo a ring made out of a leaf or something or else an asteroid would hit us and we’ll all die.

But that’s not true. And I dig my nails deeper to keep up with my brave front.

Dodo gives me a sad smile and drags me into her arms. I feel myself fall into them easily as though I am a liquid meant to be kept inside Dodo's heart to keep myself from spilling.

"I'll miss you so much, baby."

I nod against her shoulder, my head moving in quick jerky actions to convey what I had sealed behind my lips.

Dodo pulls away to look at me and there's a lone tear spilling from her eyes. "Be good, yeah?"

I look at her without blinking my eyes but the time doesn't still. There’s no dramatic moment of her giving up her childhood dream in an instant for her one true love. She’s still going away because she has dreams for her future and I am not a part of it.

"I'll try." I lie.

***

**2 months later**

_I think we should take a short break from talking. I seem to still be stuck there, instead of my one piece my whole being seems to be there with you. I hadn't realized how codependent we had become but now the only memorable thing that seems to happen is when the phone buzzes with your emails. I am in another country where I could actually kiss a girl in public in broad daylight and no one would give a fuck but instead I am still stuck there with you. And I know how cruel I sound after I promised that I'll stay in touch and I WILL (I can't imagine my life otherwise) but…_

_But you still write like we are dating. Like this is some temporary minor convenience and we'll get together again. We both know that's not happening and I have accepted it - no matter how painful it is; you need to do the same. It's the only way we could spare the pain that we've been building up for ourselves._

_I love you, baby but I can't do this right now. I'll email you as soon as I have some grip over myself and my surroundings._

_Miss you. Goodbye (for a short while)._

_Be good._

***

**3 months later**

"Oh fuck," I whisper. A hand covers my mouth to stop my incoherent prayers.

Wonhee unglues her lips from between my thighs. "Fuck, I wish I could hear you but you have to keep it low."

"Sorry," I say and bite my lips as her tongue resumes stabbing my clit with rough, rhythmic motions. Her face nuzzling into me so obscenely that I feel like I'll come from the sight only. So I close my eyes and let all the sensations wash over me. The cold air coming from the AC rubs against the spit on my nipples and I pinch it as I come.

"For a self-proclaimed heterosexual that was some impressive technique," I say later, still an hour left till we had to leave the motel.

Wonhee pinches my cheek. "Cheeky brat. I am straight, there's no self-proclamation here."

I roll my eyes and nuzzle into her stomach. The hardness of her abs stopping my attempt at osmosing myself into her whole being until she couldn't deny my existence.

"Straight girls don't flirt with the new florist and then take her to a sex motel after the movies."  
I look at the tan line on her ring finger. "They also don't remove their engagement ring before their second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth visit at the floral shop to seduce the new florist."

Wonhee continues to stroke my hair, none of my revelations flustering her.

"Is that what I did? Seduced the young, naive florist girl?"

I leave a soft peck near her navel, tucking in my smile there. "Not really. I have seen your fiance and I don't respect men so I think it's okay to be a homewrecker. Marriage is an archaic and inherently patriarchal concept anyway. I am practically doing god's work here, in fact."

My head shakes as Wonhee starts laughing. She puts her arm over my back, holding me even more intimately. "Interesting how your beliefs managed to put you on a moral high ground here."

I shrug. "What's your belief?"

She gives me a deprecating smile. "Self-proclaimed heterosexuality."

***

**2 months later**

"Hey. I am at the motel in our room. Are you coming or not?"

"I am sorry."

"What? Why?"

"He found out. I don't think we can do this anymore. Thank you for all the memories and love."

“....”

“Dior?”

"Whatever. You too. Goodbye."

***

**2 Weeks later**

"Fuck me," I whisper into Sangah's ears as I undulate my hips, a distance of few words between us.

Sangah laughs. "No."

I lean forward and drape my arms over her shoulders as we continue to grind in some friend of Sangah's party.

"Why not? I can eat you out if you feel lazy."

Sangah shakes her head, her sharp canines peeking out to convey her amusement.

"It seems immoral to fuck your bestfriend's ex-girlfriend."

I jerk her towards me, her body flush against mine, and give her a soft kiss on her cheek - seducing but also asking. "It didn't seem to stop you last week."

"I wish it had."

"You regret it?" I hear my tone harden as I put some distance between us.

She looks at me for a moment, judging from my expression what the correct answer would be. "No." She finally says and I exhale. "I like you but I also like Dodo. And I…" She lets her sentence trail off.

"And you like her enough even in her absence to put her above me?"

Sangah sighs. "Dior…"

I let my arms fall. "I think I got it. Get out of my face now. I'll let someone else fuck me."

She grabs my wrist before I can turn. "You can't keep fucking people that you know won't get into a relationship with you and then pity yourself. You know exactly what you are doing. Dodo is gone and it's time that you try to actually move on," she says angrily.

I shrug my hand out of her grip. "Thanks for that life-changing advice. I'll Venmo you the fee later."

She shakes her head in disappointment as I turn away from her again.

***

**1 Week Later**

_Yo,_

_How have you been? I have been doing better these days. It's so fucking cold here. I miss the sun there and you and Sangah (The only things that I miss about there). Speaking of Sangah, she told me what happened. She told it with so many sorrys littered in like she committed adultery or something with her best friend's wife. It was kinda hilarious. Anyway, I gave her my "blessing" so you can freely canoodle with her now without her being pissy._

_Anyway, how are you? I’ve got this whole other email written about my life but I want to listen to yours first. So what's up? How's life?_

_Yours,_

_Dodo_

***

**1 week later**

_Hey,_

_Sangah told me that you are not replying to her. Dior...we talked about this. You can't just cut people out of your life over such small things. You need to sit down with them and actually talk. We are adults, you know? Come on talk to her._

_(Also, if you could reply to me that would be great. Even just telling me that you don't want to talk right now or ever would be appreciated.)_

_Miss you,_

_Dodo_

***

**Three Days Later**

"Yeojoo?" I shout, forgetting my manners and any greetings, Yeojoo’s sudden appearance taking me by complete surprise.

It had been over a year since I last saw her. After that day in the bar, she had abruptly stopped coming.

Yeojoo startles and the book she was checking out drops from her hand.

I was pretty loud, I realize. I give her a sheepish smile when she looks down at the book and then at me with accusatory eyes.

We both bend down to pick the book but Yeojoo is faster. Getting up, she turns it and then cleans the imperceptible dust with her sleeves before putting it back on the rack.

She turns around and says, “Hello to you too.” Her tone is so amused that it makes me question all my life choices.

“Hi,” I say in a tiny voice, rubbing the back of my head. “What are you doing here?” I ask, flustered.

She looks around all the books in the bookstore performatively. My eyes get stuck to the loose hair spilling out of her bun.

"Grocery shopping?" She finally says, teasingly.

"Oh haha. Where's your Netflix stand-up special?" I deadpan, an exaggerated disgusted expression on my face.

She clutches her heart in pain. "Why don't people take me seriously? I am actually being honest."

"You eat books?" I ask, my eyebrow arched.

"Metaphorically."

When I continue to look at her in confusion, she elaborates. "I am a literary agent. I read tons of manuscripts and filter through them."

"Sounds interesting but also torturing."

"It's pretty much both. Some days more of the latter." Someone behind Yeojoo says 'Excuse me' and Yeojoo says 'Sorry' and moves away.

She gestures at the exit. "Want to get a coffee with me?"

"Is it a date?" I lilt, the restless energy that had started running through my body after Dodo abandoned me taking control of me.

She gives me an amused smile. "I am 28."

"Hi 28, I am dad."

Her lips twitch. "You are cute. But, no."

"Why not?" I say, pouting my lips, building up on her assessment of 'cute' to try to turn it into 'irresistibly cute'.

"You are, what, 19 and just started college?"

"22." I roll my eyes. "It's been a year since I graduated from college."

"Christ. That's still young."

I shrug my shoulders. "It's not that young."

Yeojoo continues to look at me, her face unimpressed but her eyes intrigued.

"I have an old soul?" I offer to diffuse the tension, stopping myself from squirming under her sharp gaze.

Yeojoo rolls her eyes. "That's weak."

I swallow, irritation building behind my eyes.

"Just tell if you want to fuck me or not?"

A mother walking in front of us with a stroller looks at me angrily.

I give her a dirty look. _Fucking people with fucking children acting all entitled. Can’t a gal ask to be fucked in public out loud anymore?_

When my eyes meet Yeojoo again, the amusement seeps from her lips and takes over her whole posture.

"Alright. Let's date then."

My eyes widen in surprise. "Just like that?"

She shrugs. "Just like that."

"I just...wanted to sleep with you," I mumble, kicking my foot like a child, feeling stupid for throwing a tantrum over something I didn’t actually want.

She shrugs again, the motion lazy and loose. "I know. But I feel like dating you now."

"I am not- uh I- I am kind of not dating anyone right now."

"That's okay. Let me know if you change your mind."

She starts to leave the store but I grab her shirt, the fabric barely caught in my fingers, no explanation behind my next words except pure impulsiveness. "Yeah, let's date."

"You sure?" 

_Fuck it._ "Yeah."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are texts: emails or messages.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Yeojoo asks as she notices me fiddling with my fingers.

Realizing what I was doing, I let my hands drop on the table with a thump. "Uh no, it's just-" I sigh, my eyes darting around the cozy cafe.

"Just?" Yeojoo encourages me with a comforting smile. I think of her broad grin so full of warmth and joy that it had made me memorize her shape a year ago.

I look away. "Since I was 15, I had a crush on Dodo and then since 18, I dated her. And now I am 22," I look at Yeojoo directly who looks away, uncomfortable at the mention of my age, "and I have no idea how dating works."

"Well if it helps, I am 28 and I haven't dated anyone in four years so even I don't remember how this works." She leans forward, a mischievous smile lighting her face. "But I think eating and talking is a part of it so we are already on the right track."

"Eating and talking," I repeat, smiling. Her joy is contagious.

"Yup. Simple stuff. Think you can do that? You can also compliment me. That's something people on dates do. I read it in my Date 101 handbook."

"Yeah? I like your...shirt." I offer lamely.

She raises her wine glass. "Like a duck to water."

A soft chuckle spills out of me and Yeojoo's smile widens to capture galaxies.

***

_Yeojoo: A horror movie? That's so cliche._

_Me: You are so cliche. That's so horror._

_Yeojoo: Ah. Major in creative writing, you said?_

_Me: Fuck you._

_Yeojoo: After the movie?_

_Me: Ugh._

_Me: (Yes please)_

After the movie, we are walking in the park, my one hand occupied with an ice-cream and the other just flinging around restlessly.

The sky pinks with the effort to push the sun below the horizon. My hand touches Yeojoo's for the umpteenth time and I finally hold it in my own, linking our fingers.

Yeojoo doesn't react even as she starts stroking my hand with her thumb, her small smile that lifts her cheeks is unmissable. The action is so simple yet so intimate that I feel my cheeks warming up.

We are still walking - me saying stupid things to keep the conversation from trailing off and Yeojoo indulging me - when the evening sets in, painting the sky into an erasing dark blue, white clouds breaking the uniformity here and there.

Yeojoo moves her arm and at the same time, I shuffle a little closer so that her arm ends slightly pressed beside my breast. Immediately, a tingling sensation runs through my lower stomach.

Yeojoo notices the sharp intake of my breath.

"Okay?"

I let myself press further against her arm. "Yeah. You?"

"Yup."

The dark cover of the night hides our figures on the park bench when we finally stop our make-out session.

"Can I touch you?" Yeojoo asks.

"Yeah. Just not below the waist."

"Got it," Yeojoo says as she leaves light kisses on my neck and I squirm, the little currents passing from her lips to my body.

"You're really sensitive." Yeojoo murmurs against my lips, her hands now on my waist under my top.

"Yeah," I say, giving away all my cards before my trembling could.

"Hmmm." She whispers into the skin below my ear while she puts a hand on my neckline. "May I?"

"Yes, please."

Her lips fall on my neck again and I feel her smile against my skin. Dragging down the neckline, her lips travel down to the swell of my breasts, and I still in anticipation of her next touch.

She bites the swell of my right breast cautiously as if experimenting, testing her theories, a whimper spills out of my lips as my back arches.

She pulls back to look at me and I look back even though I can’t see her face clearly.

I don’t know what conclusions she reaches but she pulls me closer again as she kisses my jaw. She tips my head back, pulling my hair gently, still testing the waters and I moan.

"You like to be dominated or am I reading it wrong? I don't want to do something you are not into."

"No, yeah. I like it. A lot. In bed."

"Good to know." She says as her hands come up to finally cup my breasts, her thumbs rubbing my nipples over my top and I feel my body become taut, my breaths turning shallower, anticipation mixing with little currents starting from her insistent lips on my neck, spreading to every part of my body.

***

_Yeojoo: Go to sleep. You have an early shift._

_Me: No. I want to talk more. We are BONDING._

_Yoejoo: We can bond tomorrow again._

_Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! WE. WILL. BOND. RIGHT. NOW._

_Yeojoo: Sigh. Okay._

_Me: You don't wanna? :(_

_Me: :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(_

_Yeojoo: No. No. No. No. Of course, I wanna. I just don't want you to be tired tomorrow._

_Me: Thank you for your concern. But I am a big girl, daddy._

_Yeojoo: Ugh. NO._

_Me: Yes ;)_

_Yeojoo: You know I could see 100 layers of daddy issues from a mile away so this is almost predictable._

_Me: I was kidding :/_

_Yeojoo: Uh-huh. Me too._

_Me: Don't talk to me -_-_

_Yeojoo: We. Are. Bonding!!!!_

_Yeojoo: ?????_

_Yeojoo: Hello? Anyone there?_

_Yeojoo: Did you fall asleep or are you mad?_

_Yeojoo: I think you fell asleep. Night, baby!_

***

"This is a nice place," I say while unwrapping the scarf around my neck.

"It is," Yeojoo mutters. She takes the scarf from my hands and hangs it by the door, my coat following it.

"You sound disappointed." I follow her into the hall.

"I wanted to live in a cottage as a tortured artist but alas, I am too good at being successful. Did you find the place easily?"

"Oh yeah. I got an Uber. The driver gave me a surprised look when I gave him the address."

"Did he now?" Yeojoo's amused voice comes from the open-style kitchen.

"Yeah. I might have told him that I live here."

"Yeah? Why did he look at you in surprise?"

"Because I am poor?"

"Yeah, well, how did he know that?"

"Uber drivers know everything. Once one Uber driver started giving me a therapy session mid-drive."

"Were they any good?"

"Yeah. We concluded that my passive resentment for every male is deeply rooted in the fact that as a kid I heard my dad humping my mother when I was sleeping in the same room, in a different bed, but in the same room."

I hear the clattering of a utensil. "WHAT?!"

"You are a really great cook," I say before gulping the last sip of my white wine.

"Thanks. I just follow the recipe. More?" Yeojoo asks, pointing to my glass.

I shake my head. "Too full. You should be careful or else I'll start mooching off of you for food and wine," I say, only half-joking.

She gets up, piling my plate over hers. "You are welcome to. I am rich as shit."

"And, evidently, very humble about it."

She shrugs, turning around. I look at the glasses on the plate, perfectly balanced. "I welcome ruin with open arms. Maybe then I'll have the time to become a struggling artist."

I laugh. "In that case, I am happy to be at your service."

She runs water over the dishes, scraping the excess, before putting them in the dishwasher. "The way I see it I am just redistributing wealth."

"A comrade!" I cry, twirling and clutching my heart dramatically.

"For hot girls, sure. Men can rot."

"A fellow man-hater!" I squeal, again only half-joking.

She nods sagely while putting in the soap. "Born and raised." She turns on the button and immediately her intense eyes are on me. "Now then, what do you wanna do?"

"Not that I am complaining or anything but when you said 'Netflix and chill' I didn't think you meant it literally."

I shrug, my head shifting further up Yeojoo's thigh who continues stroking my hair, I curl my legs further on the couch as we watch the tension-filled dinner play out in the movie. "I did mean it as sex but I couldn't resist watching something on your huge TV instead of my tiny laptop."

She continues stroking my hair. "Curse my good taste. Gosh, I hate being rich."

"You know I actually even shaved and waxed for today. Like, from toes to my lady bits."

"Lady bits?" Yeojoo chuckles as I nod eagerly. "Well, thanks for your sacrifice. Although I didn't need it, I appreciate your thoughtfulness none the less."

"I kept a little bush as a power move though."

She laughs again and I feel smug. She laughs so easily and it makes me feel all warm and giddy inside. "Yeah? I could tell from your walk. Powerful aura. Really strong."

I look at her. "I am a God. You should worship me."

Our eyes meet and she gives me a mischievous grin. "Take me to church then."

I squint at her.

She sighs. "Yeah, yeah. That was me inviting you for a dance with the devil."

I squint more.

She sighs even more deeply. "Horizontal tango?"

I raise my eyebrow, trying to maintain my straight face.

She taps my forehead, catching my game. "God, I despise your generation. Let me finger you, you fiend!"

I shrug, grinning now. "Take this lady's flower then, my knight."

She groans, her head tilted upwards, an expression of pain on her face. Before my giggle can reach her ears, she abruptly bends down and our lips meet again.

***

_Me: I don't know. Why are all your hobbies rich people hobbies?_

_Yeojoo: Alright. You want a poor person hobby?_

_Me: YES!_

_Yeojoo: Sometimes I light a matchstick and stare at it until it burns out._

_Me: OH MY GOASGHDGFIAHDJOKLFHAJK;L;DKS FHK LA,U_

_Yeojoo: And scene._

_***_

_Me: I don't like summer because of the sweat and mosquitoes._

_Yeojoo: What did mosquitoes ever do to you? They are part of nature. Embrace them with your naked and open arms._

_Me: THEY BITE ME! They are annoying af._

_Yeojoo: How cruel of you. Maybe they just want you to reciprocate? Have you ever tried biting them back?_

_Me: YOU!_

_Me: Are you a mosquito? Cause you are annoying and you bite me a lot as well._

_Yeojoo: Shit. You caught me. Buzz. Buzz buzz buzz (translation: Shit. You caught me.)_

_Me: -_-_

_***_

_Me: Today a customer hit on me. God, why am I so pretty?_

_Yeojoo: Genes._

_Me: FUCK YOU._

_Yeojoo: Wait till the weekend._

_Me: Ugh._

_Yeojoo: What did you say?_

_Me: Huh?_

_Yeojoo: To the customer._

_Me: Oh. I rejected him. OBVIOUSLY._

_Yeojoo: What if it was a woman?_

_Me: I would have said no. Again, OBVIOUSLY._

_Yeojoo: Why?_

_Me: Just because._

_Yeojoo: Are we exclusive?_

_Me: We weren't?_

_Yeojoo: I didn't take you as an exclusive kind._

_Me: Wdym? What kind did you take me as?_

_Yeojoo: Free love~_

_Me: START TYPING MORE THAN TWO WORDS OR I'LL YEET YOU INTO SPACE WITH ELON MUSK'S OBNOXIOUS ASS._

_Me: Also, did you just call me a hipster?_

_Yeojoo: Please don't. His "obnoxious ass" ruined Grimes' music for me. I didn't call you a hipster but what's wrong with being called a hipster? Hipsters defy social norms. People say the working class will lead the class war but I think it's the hipsters._

_Me: Pause. Are we exclusive or nah?_

_Yeojoo: Yeah, yeah, we are exclusive. BTW, nice touch with that 'nah'. Very casual. Much bad boy._

_Me: FUCK YOU._

_Yeojoo: FUCK ME._

_Me: Oh._

_Yeojoo: oh._

_Me: Send noodes._

_Yeojoo: And there she goes, ruining the mood._

_Me: Send nudes*_

_Yeojoo: Better. Sexting or phone sex?_

_Me: I wanna read so sext._

_Yeojoo: You wanna read so sext? Wow. How sexy. I feel so turned on rn (NOT)._

_Me: Send me a pic of your chesticles._

_Yeojoo: I genuinely hate your generation so much._

_Me: Send boobies._

_Yeojoo: BYE._

_Me: Send me a pictograph of your ample bosom, mother._

_Yeojoo: BYE._

_Me: Phone sex?_

_Me: PHONE SEX?_

_Me: I'll behave. Promise._

_Yeojoo: Promise?_

_Me: Yes!_

_Me: SORRY! SORRY! SORRY! Call me again. I promise I'LL BEHAVE THIS TIME._

_Yeojoo: IF I HEARD 'BOOBIES' ONE MORE TIME I AM BLOCKING YOU._

_Me: PROMISE!!!!!!!_

_Yeojoo: God damn it, Dior! I am blocking you._

_Dior: MWAHAHAHAHA_

***

_Listen._

_I am sitting at this club, yeah? And this guy comes up to me and says that he has a girlfriend and they are looking for a threesome so I think what the hell, right? It’s not my first rodeo (you know that). So, I tell them that it’s cool with me except I won’t touch the guy and I don’t want the guy to touch me. They agree and we come to my place and fuck. This is the first time that there is a man involved so I am a little apprehensive but he is cool, he respects my boundaries and everything. The next morning, I make them coffee. We have a good chat and then I send them their way._

_Overall, a five-star experience._

_Nothing can go wrong, right?_

_Right?_

_WRONG!!!!_

_Now get this, the next day, someone is banging on my door and I open it, and there’s this pretty cute girl glaring at me in anger. Instantly on my ass, she starts accusing me of having an affair with her boyfriend for a year. And I am so confused because a year ago I wasn’t even in the same country as her and then I remember, I am also a lesbian. So I tell her that and she doesn’t believe me so I show her my huge collection of lesbian books and my big fat pride flag. She’s like: you could be bi. At this point, we have forgotten about her boyfriend and are just looking for clues to prove my aversion to dick. It’s like a game now._

_So I pick a banana and look her in the eye: “If I was a dick-loving sex-fiend, I would have a better gag-reflex, right?” And I can see her panicking as I take the banana and shove it down my throat, I instantly start choking (obviously) and my eyes start watering, I am coughing so bad that I bite the banana in half before spitting it out. This girl is fucking laughing and crying as she is rubbing my back._

_Well, long story short, she believed that I was a lesbian and wasn’t biting her boyfriend’s dick off with my amazing fellatio technique. Turns out, she was suspicious of her boyfriend and tracked his phone last night (HETS ARE NOT OKAY) and it showed her this location._

_So, I told her what happened and then she showed me her boyfriend’s photo: it was a photo of her boyfriend and her with THAT girl, and I informed her that, yeah, those were the two. She looked at me in disbelief and her face grew so fucking red and then she started crying and now I am sitting there awkwardly patting her when she tells me - GET THIS - that girl in the picture was her best friend (HETS ARE NOT OKAY)._

_Anyway, that happened yesterday. Wasn’t it a hell of an anecdote? If you want to hear more from us, please email us on this email address. Thank you for listening._

_(I know what you are doing, you know? It’s not like I am a stranger who doesn’t know how your mind works. I am pretty sure that you are reading all my emails over and over again. Not replying is you punishing me for asking you to stop writing. And, yeah, I get it. It’s cruel to take away the only thing keeping you in touch with someone you love. I get it. But you can stop now. I have learned my lesson. Please. Please. Reply. I am so scared that if this goes on that you’ll just forget me. And, yeah, okay, I was the one who implied that we need to forget each other but what the fuck do I know? I just want to talk to my friend. Please reply.)_

_Miss you,_

_Dodo_

***

**Draft**

_What gives you the fucking right to ask me to stop talking to you and then beg me to talk to you? Because you are, what, bored? Am I supposed to control my feelings as you see fit? Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking entitlement._

_Sometimes I think what would have happened if I hadn’t caught you smoking in school. Would it have been better if you hadn’t noticed me and tried to get in my good books so that I wouldn’t complain? Would it have been better if I hadn’t asked you to tutor me in maths? Would it have been better if I hadn’t confessed?_

_But the most that I wonder is: Would it have been better if you had told me about your dream of leaving this - me - behind sooner rather than waiting a month before you actually had to leave?_

_But these questions matter fuck all._

_I don’t matter to you and that’s that._

_You are scared that I’ll forget you but I am scared that I won’t. Ever._

_Lastly, with all due respect, fuck you and your fucking anecdote_

_Fuck you,_

_Dior_

***

"Can I open my eyes now?"

"If you want to keep cuddling me, then no."

I am sitting on the bed, laptop open on my folded legs and Yeojoo is sitting behind me, her arms wrapped around my waist, her face pressed against my neck.

"I promise not to read it."

"Can you promise to not read it and shutting up?"

She bites my neck in warning and I smirk. I want to provoke her more but then I look at my screen and continue to tap with a sigh.

"What's the story about? Tell me that much."

"It's about a girl who falls in love with a statue."

"Hmmm. Interesting. And then what?"

"I don't know yet."

Her arms tighten around me and her nose nuzzles my neck, sniffing, her breath touching me like a phantom limb.

"You smell like coconut."

"Coco my nut."

"Ah. Shakespeare has been awfully quiet since you said that a second ago."

She kisses my neck and my retort dies on the tip of my tongue. I feel the sensations traveling to my lower stomach and curling into a tight knot, almost painful.

I close my laptop and turn around, only to find her smirking.

"You are insufferable," I say, getting my last shot in an already lost war. Her confidence projected in that cocky smile, always getting to me.

She smiles mischievously and makes me turn further so that I am sitting in her lap, facing her.

She holds my face between her hands, knowing too well which buttons to push. The warmth seeps from her hands into my whole body. Her thumb brushes my lower lip and tugs it down. I take it in my mouth, sucking it.

She stares at me intently, her expression giving nothing away and it excites me to know how in control she always is.

"Say that again, love. But this time between my legs."

I lower down and adjust my body while she opens her legs wide, her skirt showing me where I need to go. I hike her skirt up as I kiss, suck, nibble her inner thighs, moving up gradually, planning to torture her.

But she knows me too well. She grabs my pony and tips my head backward, the same old trick but always so effective and I pant. "Were my instructions not clear enough, baby?"

I shake my head, feeling bratty. She smirks and puts her right leg on my shoulder pushing me towards her pussy.

"3 seconds and if you don't do what I said, then the consequences won't be nice, pup."

I bite her thigh, feeling that itch that makes me want to act up, wanting to experience the consequences.

She flips us and gets up from the bed. I raise myself on my elbows to see what she is doing and I see her go out of the room and come back with a blind-fold.

The knowledge that she had that she actually remembered what I had mentioned off-handedly a week ago makes me hold my breath.

She stands in the center of the room, rolling her sleeves to her elbow, her posture casual.

"Where is your vibrator?"

I point towards the almirah even though I know that she knows it.

She takes it out and moves towards me, her grace cat-like and her eyes predatory.

"I know you mentioned wanting this but I'll start slow. If you don't like it or even feel ambivalent, stop me right there. Can I trust you with that?"

"Yeah. I've done it before. You don't need to start slow or whatever."

She shakes her head while getting on the bed. "I feel more comfortable this way."

I nod back.

"Traffic lights or safeword?"

I swallow. "Traffic lights."

She finally smiles.

Afterward, she is making me drink water and then taking me in her arms to cuddle me. I should ask her how she is doing because it's her first time spanking me and being so rough with me but I just curl up in her arms and start crying.

"Shit. Did I hit you too hard? Was it too much? Are you okay?" There's alarm in her voice and I should reassure her that she was good to me - so good - and even though I've done this before, I've just never felt like that in my life, so free and so good.

With her each touch and word, I felt so confident in Yeojoo that for the first time, I gave up my control completely during sex. The pace that she had set made me let go and my pleasure had felt amplified.

And now I have absolutely no idea why I am crying and I finally tell her that.

"Oh, baby. It's okay. It's okay." She cradles me in her arms and I let out the complicated mess of feelings building up in me.

***

Before the annoying pitter-patter of the rain, there's thunder and lightning.

I am sitting on the beanbag observing the world outside from my window.

With each stroke of lighting the film changes,  
But my eyes stay empty, the world outside seems to be devoid of any feeling.

The warm cup of tea warms my hand but my skin is too thick for it to reach my heart that seems to be suffering from Antarctic cold.

I imagine it like an old abandoned leaf,  
lying on the pavement,  
untethered from its life source,  
being stepped on by callous feet.

The crunch that its light brown skeleton produces  
is sound of my heartache,  
right now, seemingly my whole identity.

I keep it protected,  
rejecting tender hands and caring eyes.

After all,  
it's the only thing that tells me that I was once part of a tree  
that was so much bigger than me.

Someone steps on me,  
a little too hard,  
a little too fast,  
I disintegrate  
and my pieces fly with the wind.

Some stick to the boot that stomped on me  
so carelessly.

Back in my room, I take a sip of my now cold tea.

God, I hate rain.

***

"Where are you?" I raise my head up, soaking the sun after three days of continuous gloomy rain.

"You don't even try to look, do you? I am behind the traffic light and, oh, I can literally see you."

I look to my left and my earring dangles. Her grey car comes closer and closer until it stops in front of me.

The window rolls down and there she is in a casual black hoodie and black jeans, her thick black-framed glasses slip down her nose as she looks me up and down.

She abruptly picks her phone from the dashboard and then the whole car is buzzing with _Birthday Sex_. I feel the flush come to my body like a tsunami wave, drowning me in embarrassment, I look around the street, my ears red like hot iron.

"You are an embarrassment. Stop it."

"Thanks, I try." Yeojoo gives me an impish smile but stops the music.

I sit beside her in the front seat and touch my hot cheeks before checking my face in the rear-view mirror, ruffling my freshly curled bangs.

"You look hot."

"You look like you are going to a gamer-boy funeral."

"Well, if the shoe fits."

"It doesn't. Explain yourself, you ungrateful jester."

Yeojoo chuckles. "The meeting ran late, I didn't have time to change."

"You could have attended the meeting in something fancier for one day!" I huff, folding my arms over my chest. I don't know why I was saying that. I didn't care that much. But it felt like she should have.

"I had decided on this short dress with a plunging neckline and I wasn't sure if I wore that to the meeting, they would be interested in the graphs of sale across genres that I was explaining."

I crack a smile. "Why? Sex and death sell everything."

"Even books?"

"Especially books. What a noob."

A hand comes to grind on my head and I yelp. "You are messing my fancy hair!!!

Yeojoo laughs. "Sorry. You look great. Did I tell you that?"

I look at my black dress, nearly transparent on the top, my black push-up bra saving the day or dooming it - if I were to follow Yeojoo's line of sight.

"What's so great about it? I dress up all the time." I ask, shamelessly fishing for compliments when they were being given so freely.

"I can't tell," She says and then to make her point clear, she lowers her glasses with her index finger and stares at my breasts pointedly.

I bat my eyelashes at her. "Is it the chosen one’s pure and chaste heart?"

She snorts. "Nah. It’s the chosen one’s tits." She says matter-of-factly and starts the car again. "Wear your seatbelt."

I pick the strap and let it drop. Yeojoo looks at me with her brow arched.

I press my lips and then give her a helpless shrug. "Oh my, I seem to have forgotten how these contraptions work again. If only there was some fetching young woman willing to lend me some help," I say in an exaggerated high voice.

Yeojoo rolls her eyes and leans forward to buckle me in. I feel her scent enveloping me. Her body doesn't touch me but the effect feels physical. Instead of leaning back, she stays there for a moment, staring at me.

When I give her questioning hum, she pulls my face sideways and gives me a demanding kiss, her right hand cupping my cheek.

"Happy birthday, you little shit. Let's watch this stupid fucking horror movie,” She announces against my lips before I dive in and kiss her again.

***

"Now I am just spitballing here, but have you tried going to the doctor and getting some medicine?" Yeojoo says, licking the spoon clean of ice-cream.

"Yes?" I say, eyes fixed on the very riveting heterosexual porn playing on my laptop.

"Okay, have you tried being better at lying?"

"Uh-huh." I cock my head. "That looks painful."

Yeojoo follows my line of sight and winces. "It does. Is she really enjoying that?"

I shrug. "I just don't know what the point is here. Like what are they trying to achieve with this position?"

"Death?" Yeojoo supplies helpfully.

I roll my eyes.

Yeojoo squints at the screen, leaning forward. "Don't judge people's kinks."

"Well, I am not."

The girl on the screen goes _ah, ah, ah_ in pleasure or pain - at this point and position, who knows? - and Yeojoo grimaces.

"Can you ask one of your straight friends if this is legal?"

I laugh, my shoulders shaking in amusement.

I put the interesting piece of alien footage on mute and turn to look at Yeojoo, my head lolling against the headboard.

She tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "Are you feeling better now?"

I give her a tired and probably unconvincing smile. "A little."

She kisses my forehead and my smile turns genuine.

***

"Explain it to me how we watch a horror movie on your birthday because you want it, and then we go to a haunted house on my birthday because, again, you want it?" Yeojoo asks me while we are standing in the line, waiting for our turn.

"Because me baby?" I deadpan.

She nods seriously. "Legally viable points have been made."

I hit her arm, the lean muscle of it no longer taking me by surprise. I immediately grab it and squeeze it.

We move further along the line. "It's not my fault that your pretentious modern art museum is closed on Thursdays. If you want, I can throw some red paint on a white canvas to depict the violence and exploitation of the middle-east."

Yeojoo wraps an arm around my waist. The couple behind us starts giggling and I feel as if they are talking about us.

"Aye. My baby is so smart. She knows words like 'exploitation' and 'middle-east'."

I give her an unimpressed look even as my lips tremble while I try to hold back my laughter, feeling slap-happy for some reason.

Inside, my arm collides with the fake skeleton as Yeojoo pushes me against the wall, her arms on my both sides, trapping me.

Deep darkness lit by tiny lights illuminating fake non-sentient monsters all around us.

My sight adjusts to the dark and I see her face, bathed in purple, hovering over mine.

"Now, let's talk gifts, pup."

"Is my presence not enough for you?"

"Nope. If it guaranteed some value, I would have sold it on eBay. Happily."

I pout. "Mean."

She gives me a knowing look "You chose the only haunted house in the district which doesn't have people dressed up as monsters inside. I might not be a teen but even I know its reputation."

I smile. "Just satisfying your exhibitionist streak."

She puts a hand behind my head to drag my face down - the act always displaying such power that it makes me feel protected for some reason - and kisses me, our tongues sliding and swirling against each other in a familiar but always new rhythm. I put my hands on her shoulders but she grabs them and puts them above my head.

Her hands find their place in front of my pussy, not pressing, barely touching but I can feel the fluttering accelerating.

Losing no time, she starts sucking on my skin where my neck meets my shoulder and her hand starts rubbing my pussy over my skirt. I arch against the wall, breathless and boneless.

"I want to eat you out so bad."

"We don't have enough time." I whisper.

"Is that a challenge?" Yeojoo murmurs, lips leaving light trails over my collarbones now.

She puts a hand inside my skirt, on my inner thigh - so close but too far. Light finger tips crawl up and down like her lips do from my shoulder to my neck.

She unbuttons my shirt, leaving my breasts out and in full display. The cool air caresses me there and for a moment, I feel beautiful.

It's a sudden realisation. I am not one to feel insecure about my body but I also don't stand naked in front of the mirrors feeling pretty.

In that moment though, with Yeojoo's hands caressing me, her lips kissing me and the glow of kaleidoscopic lights hitting my every body part, thinking about what a sight I make with my body in an arch and my breasts pushing out, I feel beautiful.

Her fingers almost touch my pussy but she takes a step back, leaving me there panting with parted lips.

She looks at me like a critic in a gallery.

"What are you looking at?" I ask, breathing hard.

She tilts her head.

"Modern art."

***

I feel nervous as I enter Yeojoo's office even though it was her who had asked me to come in with the flash drive she had forgotten at my place. When I reach the reception, the receptionist rings her up and asks me to wait there.

Five minutes later, she points me to her cabin and I knock at the door. Still nervous.

"Come in."

When I enter, she is typing something on her laptop intently. Her straight black hair is styled in a side-part, giving her that clean professional look while her navy blue casual business suit makes her look untouchable.

I feel a shiver run down my spine when her cold eyes leave her laptop and fall on me. The effect is still there even as she gives me a slight smile.

I put the flash drive on her table and subtly glance at the open door behind me, confirming all the reasons why I shouldn't cross the boundary of that table between us.

"Thank you, love," She says softy, her tone telling in its gratitude.

"It's no problem."

"No, you had to skip your work. It's a big deal."

"I am just a part-time worker at a florist shop. It's not like the world would stop revolving if I miss a day," I say, looking down and fumbling with my fingers.

The difference between her spacious cabin and crisp business suit and my place behind the counter in a local flower shop and my old blue floral dress brings out my insecurities.

She leans back in her chair, her eyes focused on me.

"Everyone has their place in the world. If you look at the big picture, the doctors do more than me but that doesn't make my work of no significance. I matter to the people who like reading. Even if they don't know, I am an essential cog, keeping their world moving. Similarly, there are people who don't know or maybe they do, but you are an essential cog to their system. When you suggest the right flowers and guide them, all with your sunny smile, you make their day. I know because when you smile or laugh, you certainly make mine."

"Yeah but I am easily replaceable."

"For them? Maybe. Replaceable, yes. Unmissable, No."

I lower my head, feeling vulnerable, my words whispy and light. "What about you? Am I replaceable for you?"

Yeojoo's gaze moves to her laptop again and for a moment, there's no space for anything because my words have expanded and filled the room. There's no space left for anything else. I feel immediate regret, my mind running through different combinations of words I could say to take it back.

"Uh. Sorry. Forget it," I say, feeling like I just scooped back my word vomit with a flimsy spoon and now I am feeding it to myself but instead of cleaning the room, all it does is leave a bad taste in my mouth.

"I'll see you at the bowling alley tomorrow." The words leave my mouth in lieu of goodbye and I turn back to leave the room that's suffocating me with my own careless words.

I shouldn’t be asking questions if I am not ready for the answers. Honestly, I am so fucking stup-

"No."

I stop in my tracks. "Huh?"

"You aren't replaceable for me. Can you say the same to me?"

Yeojoo's words hit me from the back and the impact feels physical. I fantasize about the floor slipping away from beneath me so that I am buried in the soil, crushed beneath the debris, not required to think of earthly questions like: Can you say the same to me?

I swallow and swallow until the whole act itself becomes painful enough to ground me. I can't find the courage to turn around and face her so I stand there frozen, too afraid of even thinking of the answer.

"I think that I am not replaceable in your life even if you don't want to believe that. I'll see you tomorrow. Thank you for coming by, love."

The confidence in her tone takes me by surprise. I don't want to turn more out of surprise than fear now so I just nod and say 'see you'.

Outside my phone pings with a text; Yeojoo's name flashes and I feel a cloud of anxiety in my chest.

_Yeojoo: I really like the new dress btw. It suits you._

The cloud bursts and it leaves me smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tag yourself: I am the emo poem about hating rain and 'Send me a pictograph of your ample bosom, mother.' 
> 
> Honestly, I got lazy but then a cc was like "Author-nim. Update?" and then internally, I was like, "Oh yeah, Update indeed." Are you happy, reader-nim? 
> 
> Catch me in your loving arms like I am a Pokemon and your arms are my Pokeball. Twitter: [Agoodboi?](twitter.com/mellow_minhyuk/) Curious Cat: [Agoodboi!](https://curiouscat.me/MellowMinhyuk)


	3. Chapter 3

I look at the clock hanging on the wall. There are still five minutes left to my shift ending. I tap my phone for the umpteenth time waiting for the text from Yeojoo telling me that she is on her way. 

After my shift ends, I wait inside the park outside of the shop, a place we agreed upon. Spring is approaching but the day is a little chilly today. I rub my arms over my hoodie. 

There's a group of some 18-year-old guys sitting on the nearby bench. They look at me once and then say something between them. Unabashedly, their gaze returns to me. I feel it crawling on my skin like a many-legged worm, disgusting and scary. Their unmoving stare is objectifying and their laugh leering. I call Yeojoo, my fingers shaking for no reason, but she doesn't pick up. 

My mother once told me that when I was a baby, I accidentally locked her in the kitchen and went dawdling outside on my pudgy legs, my favorite whale plushie clutched in my hand. 

At the first turn, there used to be a cyber cafe where young men would gather for computer lessons. Before their classes began and the class before them came out, they would gather outside of it and chat. 

During that time, a group of men was gathered there as well. Even as a barely walking baby, I was so scared of them that I took a U-turn after seeing them and went crying back into the house where my mum was hysterically trying to open that door. I left my whale plushie there. My mum tried to go back and get it for me but I stuck myself to her leg, not wanting her to see those men.

I am 23 now and the fear still feels the same, irrational but all-consuming. They make a show of looking me up and down and I feel papercuts in every place their stare touches me. 

Everything about my body seems obscene: my breasts, my curves, the swell of my ass. I feel like cutting out every one of those things and living my life as a sentient flat plank covered head to toe in a bulky cloak. 

I cover my face with my hood and pretend to be busy with my phone. I redial once again but the result stays the same. 

The group of guys laughs loudly and it feels like they are talking about me. 

"Nah. She isn't that hot. Maybe a 6." A loud voice comes from their gathering and I feel my heart pounding. 

I don't know how they do it. How they make me feel obscene and insecure without even talking to me. I hate that they have so much power over me when it comes to evoking fear.

I can hear the pounding of my heart in my ears when one of them stands and starts walking up to me. 

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

I dial Yeojoo and put the phone against my ear as I casually start walking towards the bus-stop. 

She doesn't pick up but I start pretending that she has. "Oh? Yeah, okay. I am near the bus-stop. Be there in ten minutes." 

I keep my stride unhurried. I would hate them to know that they have affected me. The guy turns back around upon hearing me and I hear gleeful laughter behind me again. 

I keep walking. 

I wait for another fifteen minutes at the bus-stop but Yeojoo still doesn't pick up so I give up and take the bus to my place. 

***

I grit my teeth while turning in the key to my place. I am not angry that she didn't come, things happen and sometimes you can't make it. But what’s truly angering me right now is that she didn't even bother to tell me that she isn't coming.

The anger in me feels like it's its own entity, something foreign that exists outside of me with its own ideas and impulses. Something that's distinctly someone else and not me. It's always been like that and I like to think that's how everyone feels. 

I go inside and take off my new shoes that Yeojoo had gifted me, throwing them away as if they were deeply offensive to me. I change my clothes and put on a pair of shorts and an old tee riddled with holes. 

_No one is going anywhere. Now and forever._

Fifteen minutes later as I am cooling myself by shoving in some ice cream in my mouth, my phone rings and Yeojoo's name flashes on the screen. I let it ring three times before I pick it up, my need to annihilate the whole world starting from Yeojoo taking over my passive-aggressive ways. 

"Hey. Where are you?" 

"At home?" I say, voice deceptively calm, biding my time to give the perfect strike. 

"Oh. Do you not want to go to the arcade?" 

"I did. That's why I waited twenty fucking minutes for you and tried calling you." I snap. 

Fuck the perfect timing. This is Sparta now. 

There is silence for a moment. Nothing but the sound of vehicles passing her by, her breathing inaudible but I wish I could hear it. 

My grip tightens on my phone. 

"Sorry. I got too much into my work and didn't realize the time. My phone was on silent. We can still go. I'll pick you up from your place." 

"I am not in the mood now." 

Another silence. 

"I am really sorry, baby. I don't know what else you want me to say." 

"How about you at least let me know that you won't be on time so that I don’t wait for you like a complete idiot. Is that too hard for you?" I spit, my tone mean and condescending. 

Sound of a deep breath. 

"You don't want to go now, that's okay. Let’s talk later when _we_ are calm," She says, emphasizing 'we' like she means 'you'. 

And before I can dig myself deeper into the hole, she hangs up. 

***

When I wake up the next morning, there's no message waiting for me. The heady need for metaphorical blood has scurried into the back like a coward and I am left with regret as my only companion. 

After a while, swallowing my pride, I decide to take the matters into my own hands.

_Me: Morning!_

I keep looking at my phone during my shift but no message or calls magically manifest on my completely stupid device. 

The realization that I have isolated myself to rely only on one person again dawns on me gradually with each glance at my phone. 

It's a habit that has followed my heels since childhood. 

Making one friend and then existing in their space and their space only is something that I have always done unintentionally. Keeping up with more than one person feels like an effort that I feel too exhausted to keep up. I make acquaintances as I go and then let us drift apart with time and distance. There are periods in between where I have no one but even then I feel content with myself. 

But since high school, I never had to sit alone in the corner during recess with food and a book, sequestered in a corner, earphones in my ears playing some random classic piano composition to block out the laughter of the others. 

Because since high school, I had Dodo who made it her job to let me cling to her and feed me small bites of food like a precious baby bird while telling me about everything and anything. 

I entered Dodo’s space and there I met Sangah, Dodo's best friend, who looked at us with playful disdain whenever our PDA got too out of hand, who took me out for a C-grade shark movie on my birthday because Dodo was out of town, Sangah who texted me all these stupid memes when Dodo left, who lent me a shoulder to slump against when we binged whatever we felt like in the evenings that had felt too empty without Dodo. 

And Sangah who had kissed me of her own accord and then did so many things to me that I started hoping for the first time since Dodo left, and I was left thinking _oh, maybe things will work out, maybe I'll fall in love with a friend again._

And then she called me Dodo's girlfriend and put my presence below Dodo's absence and I realized, maybe I wasn't the only one filling the void that Dodo left in our lives with warm bodies. 

But even then, before and in-between, there was Sangah who took care of me but right now there was no one and I wonder, since when did I change so much? 

I used to be so content in my isolation. 

Since when did I start needing - instead of wanting - other people? 

I am walking towards the bus-stand when my phone rings. It's Yeojoo. 

"Hey," I say, hesitation and anticipation amalgamate and my voice breaks. I clear my throat, grimacing. 

"Hey. Are you still angry at me?" 

_No._

"A little." 

"Sounds great. Can I come to your place?" 

"I guess." 

"Don't sound too enthusiastic." 

"You don't have to worry about that." 

"Fuck. Stop. Stop. Stop. Too sensitive!" Yeojoo stops grinding into me before giving me one last purposeful short stroke. 

I cry in painful pleasure, my legs closing on their own but before one of them can slide away from Yeojoo's shoulders, she grabs my calf. She sweeps my bangs away from my eyes with her other hand, looking at me as if she is mentally noting down my every reaction. 

She cups my cheek, the touch so gentle that I wonder if it was someone else who was pushing into me so hard and fast, corkscrewing until my soul was ready to leave out from my insides. 

I kiss her wrist. She bends down, still inside me and takes my nipple in her mouth. I shudder, feeling sensitive in every body part as I let my orgasm wash through me. I uncurl my toes and relax as the tingles in my heel pass but my heart continues racing. Finally, I let my whole body relax. 

I take a moment to calm myself before going down on her. She grabs me by the back of my head, riding my face, taking her pleasure from me, just like she knows I like it. 

Afterward, I am standing in front of the full-length mirror wearing just her coat, unbuttoned, with nothing inside. 

She comes back from the kitchen, a bottle of champagne and two glasses in her hand, wearing only my skirt. 

I feel detached from my own personality, my gaze flitting from one constellation of moles on her body to another. 

I fantasize about pouring the champagne on her and licking it off while listening to her cries of _please, please, please_. It's a passing moment but now that I am aware of it, the fantasy roots itself. 

She puts everything on the bedside table and stands behind me. We both look at our reflection in the mirror. The difference of tanned versus extremely fair skin, tall versus average-height, naturally skinny with a little round tummy versus flat stomach and lean muscle projected on the mirror. She starts nuzzling my neck while I continue to look in the mirror. 

An image of another time and another person - a week before she told me that she had been accepted for Masters in another country - in almost the same position flashes through my mind: the pale complexion is replaced by golden skin, long straight black hair with short platinum blonde, a smaller body with taller and broader, lean muscles a little more pronounced, blank canvas of arms replaced by long arms covered with tattoos of all sorts, plush lips kissing my neck the same way while I had looked into the same mirror wearing Dodo’s hoodie. 

_"I love you."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah."_

Pierced eyebrow, features soft and big rather than sharp and smal-

"You look cute but you can't have it."

"Huh?" I ask, confused. 

"You can't keep my coat like I know you are keeping my orange sweater." 

I smirk at Yeojoo through the mirror, my eyes wide and innocent. "What? That ugly thing? Pretty sure Jesus came down himself to burn that abomination." 

She bites my shoulder like she does every so often and then flings the panels of the coat away so that I am completely exposed with just my arms covered. Her eyes stay glued to my breasts as her hands knead them roughly, her eyes on the mirror, observing and I swallow in anticipation. 

Her hands start trailing down, the planes of her palms pillaging everything in their path as her eyes follow. Her hands cross the border of my hip bones and completely cover my pussy. I inhale sharply. 

"Was this done to appease me?" She asks in a low voice and even though I know what she is referring to, I respond with a questioning hum.

She moves her hands up, carefully leaving a light touch, the tickling sensation maddening. I can feel the wetness between my legs growing. "Did you completely shave your cunt for me?" 

The word always feels so dirty and taboo coming from her and I love it. Unfortunately, she is perfectly aware of that and uses that occasionally to her advantage. Right now, it’s no exception. 

She had once asked me if I was into degradation and I had immediately denied it, not giving it much thought but sometimes, in moments like these, I feel like I should give it more thought. For now, my body slumps into her, completely at her mercy.

"No." I lie.

"Hmmm. You look even more sensitive because of it." Her hands skip touching the said sensitive part and tickle my inner thigh as I suck in a breath. 

Her hands trail up again and part my lower lips, manipulating my folds with her fingers. 

"You are soaked,” She tells me as if it's important for me to know that. She swirls her fingers, collecting that wetness before she starts rubbing my clit. I clench my eyes, a low moan escaping my lips. 

Her hands leave me completely and I whimper, opening my eyes in confusion. 

She smiles at my reaction.

"Look in the mirror." I follow her instructions. Her one hand pinches my nipple while the other teases and then rubs my clit mercilessly. 

I come to her fingers inside my hole and her thumb on my clit, that infuriatingly all-knowing smile tucked into my neck. Our eyes meet in the mirror and stay locked as I come. 

With no time to rest, she guides me to the bed and starts slurping the wetness between my legs with long and wide licks. I clench the bedsheets in between my fingers, tears slipping my eyes. 

Lying on her chest, I feel my eyes flutter close due to sleep when she pauses the episode. "Sleepy?" 

"Mmmm hmmm," I respond in this high childish voice that sometimes feels more effortless even though I can feel the strain on my throat. 

She pecks my nose and then cheeks and then leaves kisses all over my face until I giggle, feeling more awake. 

"Let's go to the arcade tomorrow." 

I press my lips in amusement, the sensation of unbridled happiness starting from my heart and spreading throughout my whole body. "Okay." 

***

_Me: Hi! Meet me for a pizza soon, I have so much stuff to tell you!!!! (and maybe some apologies to make?)_

_Sangah: Fucking finally. You're paying. (you bet your beautiful ass)_

*** 

“You are a disgrace to people cooking everywhere.” Yeojoo scowls while pinching the bridge of her nose. 

I pout my lips. “You are so mean. I was just trying to help you.” 

She gives me a smile so obviously fake that it’s almost comical. “Baby, can you help me by standing in a corner and looking pretty? Thank you so much!” 

“No.” I stomp my foot. “Give me something to do. Give me the knife, I’ll chop something.” 

“Give you the knife and let you cut your fingers off because you have an attention span of a weed water goldfish? I don’t think so.”

“Then give me something else to do,” I whine. 

She puts her knife down and stares at me before going back to chopping. “Take off your clothes and wait for me in the bedroom. Change the bed sheet to the older blue one. It’s on the same shelf as the handcuffs and other stuff. Let’s indulge your food kink then.” 

I walk into the room eagerly. I take my clothes off, putting them in a heap on the chair, waiting in excitement after changing the sheets. 

Five minutes later, Yeojoo comes in with a tray; strawberries, chocolate syrup, an icecream container and a spoon on it. 

She looks at the bedsheet approvingly and then raises an eyebrow in amusement when she sees the blindfold and handcuffs lying in front of me. She puts the tray down, picks the handcuffs and then drops them on the floor. “Not this time, love. We are starting with the basics but you can keep the blindfold.”

I nod, excited. 

“Let the hunger games begin then."

***

_Me: What are you wearing for the event? Like a dress or a suit or something else? I don't wanna match._

_Yeojoo: A dress. Why can't we match?_

_Me: Because I have a compulsive need to stand out?_

_Yeojoo: Ah. Will you be doing clown makeup for standing out purposes as well? Because I support._

_Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAYOU'REFUNNY_

_(not)_

_Yeojoo: Merci beaucoup._

_Me: So I think I will wear a suit._

_Yeojoo: You can._

_Me: I don't have a suit though :(_

_Yeojoo: Let me buy you one._

_Me: Generally, I would because you're rich but I want to buy a suit for myself. I want it to be a 'me' thing, you know?_

_Yeojoo: Generally, I would admire your hard work but I promise you that saving up money for a suit by rationing the number of eggs and juice that you consume is not the way to go. I am pretty sure you have a vitamin B-12 deficiency anyway._

_Me: RATIONING EGGS AND JUICE! I HAVE OTHER THINGS THAT I EAT TOO! WHAT IS THIS SLANDER._

_Vitamin B-12 deficiency? That's very...specific._

_Yeojoo: Oh, my bad. You also have bread and instant noodles in your diet._

_Grey's anatomy._

_Me: AND RICE._

_What's that?_

_Yeojoo: and rice...sigh. At least, add some milk in your diet._

_You don't know Grey's Anatomy???? Oh, honey. You are so pretty and lovely and cute and smart and witty and SO YOUNG. I feel so old right now._

_Me: Milk expires so quickly :( It's not very practical._

_Oh, do shut up. You are a regular cougar, dating a 23-year-old. I am old, like, literally shut your mouth._

_Yeojoo: Practical? Your body crumbling down like a house of cards because of nutritional deficiency is actually what's not "practical"._

_Sigh. Then let me buy you a suit._

_Me: OH MY GOD. Nothing is "crumbling down". I am a healthy 23-year-old and like my same-aged brethren, I am made of sheer will and something gooey._

_Sigh. How is this connected to you buying me a suit?_

_Yeojoo: Baby, yesterday during sex, you said, "I am going to lie here like a dead starfish, please don't wake me up if I end up sleeping,” and you did fall asleep while I HAD TWO FINGERS IN YOU._

_Me: I had a tiring week!_

_Yeojoo: When was the last time you ate a fruit?_

_Me: Just last night._

_Yeojoo: Expand._

_Me: I drank a shot and chased it with a lemon. Lemon is a fruit!_

_Yeojoo: Tell me more about the time when you were a kid and slipped in the bathroom and fell on your head._

_Me: I genuinely hate you so much._

_Yeojoo: So about that suit, let me buy that for you along with some fruits._

_Me: No._

_Yeojoo: Sigh. What can I offer to convince you?_

_Me: Hmmm. Tell me something embarrassing about you._

_Yeojoo: My girlfriend has nutritional deficiency. There, done._

_Me: You are really brave..._

_Yeojoo:...That sounds ominous._

_Yeojoo: Okay, listen. So when I was 14, I had braces._

_Me: I am listening._

_Yeojoo: So I started dating this guy who also had braces. During lunch, he did something which I can't remember now, but at the time, I thought was very cute. I leaned forward, he leaned forward and we started kissing._

_Me: and?_

_Yeojoo: and our braces got stuck._

_Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_

_Yeojoo: Sadly, yes. Our braces got stuck and seemingly the whole school was in the cafeteria at the time and they all started laughing. Two teachers came panicking, they pulled us apart and started scolding us._

_Me: OH MY GOD._

_Yeojoo: Next month, the guy got his braces off and broke up with me immediately._

_Me: NO. STOP. THIS IS NOT FUN ANYMORE. THIS IS SAD. STOP. I AM SORRY._

_Yeojoo: On a scale of 'I have no empathy at all' to 'Oh I am so sorry. Please buy me a suit, fruits, and supplements' how sorry are you?_

_Me: Fine! But I would need some pictures of you in braces and a massage. Deal?_

_Yeojoo: Deal._

_Yeojoo: btw I didn’t learn that deficiency thing from Grey's anatomy. I just said that randomly. I don’t want you to someday go in thinking that you would be learning about Vitamins._

_Me: Don’t worry. I googled it and it sounds melodramatic and boring. I won’t be “going in”._

_Yeojoo: Gasp. Blasphemy!_

***

“Oh, yeah. That’s the spot. Oh. Yes.” I moan in ecstasy. 

Yeojoo slaps an oily hand on my ass. “Glad, your majesty is enjoying herself.” 

I sigh in contentment. “I didn’t know you gave such good massages.” 

“Same.” She starts thumping my backbone 

“Hmm?” 

“I wish you didn’t know it either. Now you’ll just act sulky to get regular massages.” 

I suppress a smile even though she can’t see me. “You know me so well.” 

“Not well enough. When did you figure out your sexuality?” 

_Oh._

“Uh. As you know, I had a crush on Dodo since I was 15. That was pretty much it. It began with small things. Like, imagining how it would be like kissing her plump lips. How nice it would be to put an arm around her curved waist and stroke it while-” The hands on my back still and I realize I am cruelly going into too much detail. I clear my throat. “And, you know, just gay shit like that. What about you?” 

The hands start moving again. “Well, for me, it was a little less cute. So I was 10. One day I was sick, so I didn’t go to school. We weren’t allowed phones in school so my brother left his phone - it was a slider phone, by the way - at home and I snuck into his room and took it to play games on it. I still remember it was this pixelated game where I had to collect potions and weapons and - anyway, I digress - so I took it and after a while, I got bored and checked out his video gallery and there it was.” 

“Porn?” I say excitedly. 

“Nope. It was this video of a song from some other country so I could never find it again but it had a man singing to a mike and three women dancing seductively in skimpy clothes: really tight shorts, one had this mini skirt and bralette and I distinctly remember things stirring in my pajamas.” 

“That’s cute and benign.” 

“Oh, wait a minute. Let me finish. So afterward before sleeping, I fantasized about those three girls taking off their clothes and wearing even skimpier things to seduce the guy. Plot twist: the fantasies were from the guy’s perspective and I was the guy.”

“That’s sti-”

“I was also imagining them hanging from ropes.” 

“Huh?” 

She hears the panic in my voice and laughs. “No. No. Not dead! Just you know doing gymnastics on the rope, rubbing their crotch against it, putting it between their breasts, just seducing the guy to make him choose one of them.” 

I relax. “Okay, kinda kinky especially for a 10-year-old.” 

“Tell me about it. It was during this time - and again a very vivid memory - that I was playing with a friend at her house. We were alone in her room. And we were playing this make-believe game. I was the king and she was my slave.” I turn around and show her my wide eyes. She mirrors it. "I know! Anyway, we were playing that, she made some mistake and said: 'Punish me, my king.' and I said: 'Okay, slave, kneel.' She kneeled and I said: 'Something is missing.' She asked me what, and I distinctly remember thinking, 'Get naked, drape yourself on my knees and let me spank you.' Fortunately, I didn’t say that. But I thought it and I did badly want it. Really badly. And that’s my story, I kinda always knew that I was into girls and guys even if I didn’t have the term for it.” 

“Oh, so you were a kinky gay since 10?” 

She starts rubbing my shoulder blades in circular motions. “Nope. Every night I tried to stop fantasizing about such stuff so I visualized a box, put all these fantasies in it and locked it before throwing it away. I did both every night: fantasizing about naked girls and throwing those fantasies away in a locked box. Eventually, I snapped out of it and kinda forgot about it. It wasn’t until my first hook up with a girl in college where she asked me if I would spank her and I obliged when my mind unblocked it. So, yup, that was me.” 

“Wow. That was a journey.” 

“It truly was.” 

"...." 

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't torture or kill any animals as a kid." 

I chuckle. "Thanks. That does make me feel better." 

*** 

_Me: Are your parents homophobic?_

_Yeojoo: Rather than homophobic, I don't think my parents are even aware of the whole concept of being gay._

_Me: Oh?_

_Yeojoo: Yeah. They are super old and they were raised in a very homogenous closed environment and their whole community never encountered it._

_Me: So you are not out to them?_

_Yeojoo: Nope. I would have to explain it to them. Then I don't know how they would react and it will be a whole thing. I can't be bothered with it. We aren't close anyway. What about you?_

_Me: My parents are pretty chill. My mom is bi actually. She has a girlfriend. They have been dating for like 5 years now._

_Yeojoo: Damn, that's pretty cool. Slightly envious._

_Me: I don't understand homophobia. Like, how are people just "homophobic". Even as a child, when I wasn't aware, I saw a movie with two guys pretending to be gay and a couple and I was like, 'okay'. I didn't think WHAT THE FUCK. EW. THIS IS ABNORMAL._

_Yeojoo: Well, it's just ingrained in our culture. If that's what people around you believe and have believed for years, then only few would question it._

_Me: They should though! It's not that tough. What's there to "understand"? Two consenting adults like each other and that's all. Even if you don't understand it, just accept it. It's not like they are harming anyone. And then there's the whole THIS IS UNNATURAL spiel that homophobes have. Ugh, hop off my dick. You know what's unnatural and GROSS? SEMEN!_

_Yeojoo: Okay, I am going to play the devil's advocate, don't hate me, okay?_

_Me: Go ahead -_-_

_Yeojoo: So, listen, let's say in the future there is a shortage of food, and it has slowly become the norm to eat freshly dead people._

_Me: EW!!!!!!_

_Yeojoo: Exactly. It's "ew" for us because that's what ingrained into us. Maybe by culture or maybe by biology because if we started eating each other then we, as a species, would die and we need each other for survival because we are social animals. or maybe it's both. Whatever it is, we can't imagine eating humans. That's what "unnatural" for us is. But, if you look at it logically, there's meat shortage and giving already dead bodies to fight hunger isn't bad because, technically, it's serving a need and no one is being harmed._

_Me: But, this will have long-term social consequences. Like people killing each other for food, cannibal black markets etc. So there is harm. Like you said, we can't see each other as food, already dead or not, or else collectively, as a species, we won't be able to survive._

_Yeojoo: Okay, that's a good point. Let me give you another example. Let's say in the future your grandchildren come up to you and tell you they want to marry each other._

_Me: WHAT THE FUCK! NOOOOOOOOO!_

_Yeojoo: Exactly! Again, very ew. for us But, you know, in some cultures, it's a common practice to marry your cousins and it's not "unnatural" for them because in their culture, it's normal. I mean, if you look at our origin, there used to be matriarchy and it was communal. By which I mean, everyone was fucking each other and it was very...well, for the lack of a better word, incestuous. Now I am not exactly sure how and when it started changing. Since inbreeding leads to a myriad of problems in offsprings which then creates a concentrated gene pool rift with problems, maybe it was spread out to dilute and combat those problems and that's how it steadily became "natural". But way back in time, that was the "norm". It's what's ingrained into our culture for years and maybe even hardcoded into our biology as a survival instinct that makes it "unnatural"._

_Me: But inbred children have many problems, so I think it's cruel to them. There's still harm being done to children. Also, imagine living in a household where adults who are raising you since a child WHO HAVE CHANGED YOUR DIAPER FOR FUCK'S SAKE watch you as a potential sexual...mate. Imagine the trauma and mental problems that person is going to have so like I said HARM IS BEING DONE._

_Yeojoo: Of course! Even if I remove the disgust I feel, even logically, it's VERY HARMFUL. But I am not talking generally. I am giving you a specific scenario. What would your reaction be if your grandchildren come up to you and tell you that. Let's say they are cousins who were raised in a different household and they are not going to have a biological child but rather adopt one. You are really progressive and open-minded but even then would or would it not feel "unnatural"? Would it not take you some effort to get over that initial bafflement and disgust?_

_Me: I-um- Okay. They are technically doing no harm to anyone and they are two consenting adults so I guess I would tell them to live their life if that's what they want but yeah, you are right, my reflexive reaction would be disgust and I would indeed use the word "unnatural" inside my head at first. But, I think, if I see them happy together, I would get over it._

_Sigh. I can't help but feel like you just gave every homophobe a blanket argument: If we "allow" same-sex couples to be in romantic relationships with each other, then what's next? normalizing INCEST?_

_Yeojoo: People like that are going to stay a homophobe no matter what argument you make. And that’s my point. If you have empathy and you actually care for people then you use your critical thinking and see their side. The ones who don’t, just won’t, whatever you do or say. It doesn’t matter how many studies you shove in their face or how you debunk their argument, they will stay homophobic._

_Me: So we just accept homophobia and not change them because it’s ingrained in them?_

_Yeojoo: Anyone who can use the internet has no excuse. Not even internalized homophobia. Just cut them out of your life. They can do a google search and educate themselves, it shouldn’t be your duty to try to convince them of your identity. So they don’t have ignorance as their excuse. For them, it’s lack of empathy and critical thinking. You don’t need such people in your life. Old people who have this “unnatural” theory ingrained in them and don’t know how to use the internet? That is up to you, I guess. Cut them out or try to meet them in the middle or educate them if you are inclined to. I can’t be fucked so I don’t tell them that I am gay._

_Me: Is it naive of me to think that people who are homophobic and know how to use the internet can change if someone close to them talks about it?_

_Yeojoo: No, it’s not, baby. I am talking from my own experience so I am biased but maybe people can change._

_Yeojoo: Maybe you can change people._

***

The air is thick, the atmosphere is charged inside.

I had trouble focusing when we were sitting and listening to the writer read a chapter from her book. She was a young, pretty girl with a shy demeanor so her words filled with gravitas of her elegant writing rather than enunciation were the perfect contrast that kept even my sleepy self hooked. 

Now, we are standing and greeting people and I am a little scared. Yeojoo has her arm wrapped around my waist as she nods at someone with a smile and I feel awake and buzzed. 

I look at the people mingling around us, half-empty glasses in their hands, each seemingly engrossed in their conversation. I wonder if they are talking about the book at whose launch event we are or if they are going out of their way to talk about everything but that. 

Yeojoo's thumb, like a perpetual habit, starts stroking my waist. "You look so hot in this suit." 

I look at her and grin. "Yeah, I feel like a grown-up. Are there always these many people at a book launch?" 

A strong flash of light washes over us for a second but it takes me by surprise. I look around, bewildered and find the photographer. 

_A journalist?_

The woman removes the camera from her eyes and grins at Yeojoo who grins back and waves her to come over but the woman shrugs, a helpless expression on her face. She points at the camera and mouths "busy". Yeojoo nods in understanding. 

The woman raises her camera and Yeojoo gives her 'camera smile', slightly crooked, one end a little raised than the other as if being pulled up by an invisible hook.

I try to take a step back but Yeojoo's hand stays firmly on my waist so I give an awkward smile of my own and the flash washes over us again followed by a thumbs-up sign from the woman before she turns around to click some other pictures. 

A waiter passes us by and Yeojoo takes a wine glass for herself while I decline.

I feel like a child playing at make-believe and the pressure to not mess this up by embarrassing Yeojoo mounts up. 

Yeojoo takes a sip and smacks her lips. "Well, it varies. But Eunseo is on the rise, she has a dedicated fanbase of readers which is rapidly growing. This is the last book of her first trilogy so there are more people and media." Her eyes light up as they do whenever she talks about the good parts of her work. "Fun fact, I was the one who actually picked up her first manuscript. I just knew from the first read that she is going to go big." 

I nod, smiling. "Yeah? I need to pick her books then." 

"Do you like morally grey protagonists and fantasy?" 

I nod eagerly. She smiles with fondness swirling in her eyes like the red wine in her glass. "You would like her books then." 

"She is also pretty." 

"Yeah, she is." 

"Do you think that I am pretty?"

"The prettiest," She says without any hesitation. I clench my eyes and raise the apple of my cheeks, my lips pressed in a wide smile, trying to look cute and squishy. She grins and pinches my cheek. 

The day was a little cloudy today so I am glad that I can spend it with Yeojoo in this little pocket of time and space where I wouldn’t have to worry about rain. The artificial lights, the cold breeze of air conditioner and the arm around my waist will keep me safe. 

“Yeojoo?” Someone’s astounded shout comes from behind and like two meerkats, we both try to peek back. 

“Yeonjung?” Yeojoo exclaims and my anchor, her hand, leaves my waist. 

They share a hug like acquaintances who used to be close friends do. I find myself trying to look somewhere without appearing out of place and awkward. 

The woman gives me an artificial smile and shakes my hand as well. She looks up at Yeojoo, eyes alight with mirth. “How long has it been since we last saw each other?” 

There’s a weird look in Yeojoo’s eyes. “Over four years, I think.” 

Yeonjung gives me a passing glance again. She is even shorter than Yeojoo so she has to look up to meet my eyes. 

“Your girlfriend?” She asks, grin widening. 

I startle. 

Somehow during our time here, Yeojoo had introduced me to so many people including the writer herself and up until then I hadn’t thought of what kind of message Yeojoo’s arm around me and our intimate whispers was sending. 

Yeojoo had been so confident and casual, that lulled into comfort, it didn’t even come up in my mind. 

“Yeah.” Yeojoo drops casually. I look at her with wide eyes. She smiles and shakes her head. 

_Is she out in her workplace as well?_

Yeonjung laughs. “How old are you? 17?” She asks me and before I can answer with snark - because, honestly, 17? - she moves on to Yeojoo again. “She looks barely legal.” 

Yeojoo expression is pinched, smile painful. “She’s 23.” 

I grit my teeth, stopping myself from snapping, now would be the worst time to throw a tantrum and make Yeojoo question my maturity and our relationship. 

“Oh? Still really young.” She purses her lips while tapping her chin. “So when you turned 18, she was 12!” She shudders dramatically. 

Yeojoo winces and honestly, if simple mathematics is enough to shut her up, then God save us.

“Lucky for Yeojoo, I grew up and now I am 23. Not 12. Curious how time works.” I intervene. I know my polite smile isn’t helping anything, not with my sharp tone but at this point, I am guessing, Yeojoo doesn’t really like this person and if she does, boy, are we going to have a talk at home. 

Yeonjung laughs. “Oh, I like this one!” 

Yeojoo looks at me and I finally find that perpetual amusement in her eyes that I love so much. 

“Yeah, she is the best.” 

She rises on her tip-toes, the height difference between us more pronounced with my heels and her flats and pecks my cheek. Warmth caresses me there and spears through my heart easily. 

“Well, maybe I too should start trolling high school and get me a girl.” She laughs and I fake laugh with her. 

Yeojoo gives me a bemused look. 

She leaves us after telling Yeojoo that she would stay in touch which I am hoping was just a polite statement. 

I hug Yeojoo who hugs me back thinking I was initiating some kind of sweet moment. I lean down and whisper in her ears. “Your friend is a pedo!” Her breath touches my ear as she starts laughing. 

We separate and I see her wiping her eyes. 

“Don’t say that! That’s not nice.” She says, after laughing for half a minute. 

I shrug. “She was a complete dick to you.” 

She shakes her head, still grinning, and drapes her arm over my shoulder. “She was just joking. She is my ex so it got a little under my skin but I know her, she didn’t mean any harm by it.” 

I grin. “Ex? You dated a dick!” 

She hits my head. “Hush! She is nice, honestly. She was just joking around.” She sighs and furtively looks around. “Okay, listen, while we were dating, one of our friends started dating a man who was 15 years her senior. I kind of said at the time that I don’t trust people who date people who are so younger than them and I just don’t think relationships with age gaps would work after the initial excitement passes.” She chews her lower lip and gives me a sheepish look. “I also might have insinuated that people who date someone more than 3 years their junior are perverts and just like showing off. So I just felt like a hypocrite in front of her, that’s all.” 

I press my lips to hide my grin but good, god, is this some perfect material. Sometimes Yeojoo doesn’t even have to try but comedy writes itself. 

She gives me one look and sighs again. “You can laugh.” 

I shake my head, face straight. “Never.” 

***

I take off my suit jacket but instead of changing into something I just let the unbuttoned shirt cover my upper half. 

I am browsing on my phone, my feet still in high-heels resting on the floor, when I hear Yeojoo coming out of the bathroom. 

I quickly put my phone aside and lie down in an affected casual posture, my feet still on the floor because this is Yeojoo’s bedroom and I don't want to get banned.

She enters the room and stares at me before padding towards me with a resigned look on her face. She takes off my heels and puts them on the floor carefully. I close my eyes when she sits between my legs. A kiss on my navel and I smile. 

“Tired, baby?” 

I open my eyes, blinking slowly and give a fake yawn. “Yeah. It’s just that...I am so young so I get tired easily.” 

She catches on immediately and rolls her eyes. “Okay. I am not doing this.” 

I spread my arms and run my fingers through my loose hair. “Why did God give me this supple young body that just wants to be touched by hypocrite old perverts?” 

Her face slumps on my stomach as she groans. “I already admitted that I am a hypocrite!” 

I start laughing. “Past Yeojoo really fucked you over, didn’t she?” 

She sighs. “Tell me about it. Why did she have to call them perverts?” 

I start hitting the bed, hysterically giggly. The whole situation is so funny to me because Yeojoo is a careful person. Her words are controlled and thoughtful, her actions rational and careful. She has her shit together and she is aware of it, that’s why she is so cocky all the time - which, don’t get me wrong, is insanely attractive - but to see her getting so badly owned by her own past is just so hilarious to me.

We stay like that for a moment. 

“Does it really bother you?” I run my fingers through her silky soft hair. 

“What?” She mutters, sulky. 

“Our age gap.”

She doesn’t say anything. 

“Get up.” 

No reaction. 

I turn, her head bounces off my stomach and hits the bed. I get up and pull her up with me, she lets me with an annoyed expression on her face. I take her into my arms, my chin on her head, my both arms wrapped around her waist, our front closely pressed together and start swaying on the spot.

“Are you- Are we slow dancing right now?” Yeojoo asks hesitantly. 

“Yup,” I chirp, pressing her closer. 

“I know it’s not a big deal but god, you were 12 when I was 18. Ugh.” 

“But you didn’t date me when I was 12! You didn’t even know about me. How is this weird?” 

“It’s just- never mind.” 

“What? Say it.” 

The silence stretches until it becomes uncomfortable. It worries me but I don't want to press her to give me an answer.

"You don't have to-"

“Somewhere deep inside I still think that relationships with age gaps don’t work once the initial honeymoon phase passes.” 

I stop and she pulls back to look at me. 

I swallow my insecurities about the fatality of relationships. Yeojoo has always taken care of me, always made me feel loved and comforted. I can’t unload my own fears when for the first time, she is the one who needs comforting. 

I put a hand on the back of her head and put it against my neck, swaying again. “I don’t know how age gap affects a relationship. It’s my first one with it but from what I know, in this regard, it’s your first one as well, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Then, we don’t know anything, just like no two people know how long their relationship is going to last. We are just two people dating who like each other very much. 

I don’t know about you, but it’s been 3 months and I like you even more now. The more I know about you, the more I like you. 

I like how you complain about reading too much for work and then lose yourself in reading during the weekends. I like how passionately you talk about characters in movies and books. I like how competitive you get when we play board games. I like how you are so smug about your singing but pretend to be insecure about it to make me compliment you more.” 

A soft hit on my arm. 

“I like how you laugh so easily. I like how you have a black strap-on with pink highlights. I like how you make me feel so safe and heard in and out of the bedroom. I like how you try to think for both sides. I like how you send me cat videos when you don’t want to text. I like how you handle my tantrums. I like how you give me space. I like how thoughtful your gifts are. Call it a honeymoon phase or whatever but I like you. A lot.” 

She holds me tighter. “I like you too. A lot.” 

“And? I gave a whole hugeass monologue, try again.” 

“So demanding. Okay, I like how much you pout. You even wake up with a pout. I like how you have so many expressions for everything. I like how funny and witty you are. I like how you dress up like a homeless person one day and a glamorous rich woman whose rich husband died in mysterious circumstances the next day. I like how you do that crown braid on your hair. I like how you get all flustered when you have to make up a lie on the spot. I like how you like scary horror shit. I like how you stay aware of the world even though it scares you. I like how you don’t take anyone’s shit and confidently ask for space. I like how you feel guilty when you put a show in the background while doing chores because you think that the people who made it deserve your full attention or how you feel guilty when you don’t finish the book even though you hate it.” 

A pause followed by a deep breath.

“I love how honest and direct you are. I love how you steal my clothes and make sure that I know that you are stealing my clothes. I love how long your legs are. I love your little gifts. I love how your face lights up when I remember something you said off-handedly. I love how shy you get when I am actively flirting. I love how you tuck in your cold feet between my legs. I love how you put on your eyeliner. I love how your blink is uneven. I love how you are so sensitive and so obedient in bed but a complete brat out of it. I love how you talk to inanimate objects - which, yes, I did hear that very riveting conversation you had with my laptop after dropping it on the floor which I also heard.” 

I put a hand on her mouth, my cheeks hurting from smiling so wide. “Let’s save some for another time. I know I am a woman of many charms, we will need another day.”

She snorts, a puff of breath touches my hand, I pull it away. She smushes her face in my neck again. 

“You know, 6 years isn’t that big of an age gap anyway. Like, my dad is 7 years older than my mum.” 

“Yeah. Maybe it isn’t.”

“Yes! Like, we have so many things in common.” 

“We do?”

“Yup. Like we both know,” I lean down to whisper in her ear, “this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” 

“Oh my God!” She starts laughing and hitting my arm rapidly. I wince but take it for the sake of the moment. 

We continue to sway in each other's arms, content. 

“Did you google it, puppy?” 

_Yup._

I put a hand on the back of her head. “Shush, we are having a moment.” 

***

_Me: Do you like living here?_

_Yeojoo: In this area? Sure. I grew up in the mountains so I like how busy cities are._

_Me: No, like, in this country. Did you never consider going abroad?_

_Yeojoo: Sure, fresh out of college, I did consider it but that was just to experience more diversity rather than a desire to settle there._

_Me: Oh. Does the homophobia here not bother you?_

_Yeojoo: At the risk of sounding ignorant, no it doesn’t. I have carved a small space for myself. I am out at my workplace and all my friends are either part of the gay community or allies. So my space is safe, I have a community and I don't have to venture out of it. Other things like marriage don't bother me either because even if I could legally do it, I have no desire to. That being said, I know that's my personal experience and I am one of the lucky ones._

_Me: You are very optimistic and practical._

_Yeojoo: It is what it is. I would rather work towards the solution rather than dwell on the problem (and we all have different solutions for the same problem. Some may want to leave the country and some might become activists, there’s no right or wrong answer here). What about you? Do you want to settle abroad?_

_Me: Sometimes when I read news, I do but I think people are shit everywhere so no point in spending so much money to experience shit in another country. I think I want to change the people here. Think globally, act locally and all that. But it would be cool to meet people from different cultures as well._

_Yeojoo: It would be. Let's go on a long vacation together some time._

_Me: Together?_

_Yeojoo: Of course. Is that a question? I mean unless you don’t want to?_

_Me: I do._

_Yeojoo: Then we’ll figure something out :)_

***

I kiss the top of Yeojoo's head but she doesn't pay me any attention and just turns the next page of her book. I pull out my earphones and start nuzzling her neck. 

Sitting in between my legs, her back pressed against my front, she elbows me and I wince. 

"What do you want?" She turns around and asks me. 

I squish her face and peck her puckered lips. "Just your attention." 

She sighs like you do when a child hits you with their top 20 hits of _Why? Why? Why?_. 

She puts a bookmark in and puts the book on the bedside table. I squeeze her body between my arms and squeal to show her my appreciation. 

"You have it. Now what?" A huff as she puts her head on my shoulder. 

"Why did you stop coming to the bar?" 

_Why did you only visit around Dodo's shift?_

She doesn't move and there's no change in her body language, the question leaving her unfazed. "It's so lame. I was writing a novel at the time and the main character's love interest was a bartender so I was just hanging around for research purposes. If you are curious about why I only visited during Dodo's shift, well I stumbled upon her accidentally and I thought she'd make the perfect inspiration for the love interest." 

"You didn't answer my question." 

She stays quiet for a moment before slumping in my hold. 

"I wrote it and gave my colleague the manuscript under a pen-name and then my colleague roasted it - which we do all the time - but this time the manuscript was mine and he didn’t know it. So, I abandoned it. The last day was me celebrating its abandonment. It was almost freeing to give it up and write again without trying to adhere to an invisible but stringent standard needed for publishing." 

"Did you try sending it to some other publication house?" 

"Well, no. The first time rejection was quite harsh as it was but I am thinking of rewriting it. Who knows, maybe I'll try again." 

I nod. "What was the story about?" 

"It's set in the 90s. It was about this girl who watched a crime documentary about an heinous crime where three teenagers were prisoned for life without parole - one of them on a death row - for killing three neighborhood children but the documentary shows how there was no actual evidence and only one confession by one of the teenagers who was operating on a low IQ for his age and was blatantly manipulated by the police into saying what they wanted him to say. 

Then, there was the judge who was so incredibly biased from the beginning that he basically sabotaged the whole case. The whole community was prejudiced because the three teenagers listened to Metallica, one of them had a mullet and wore a trench coat, and everyone thought they were Satanists, you get the idea. 

Anyway, she watches the documentary - the verdict was given a year ago before the documentary was made, by the way - and she gets so intrigued and involved in the case that she goes to the town where this happened and meets her love interest there while researching. She builds this basic website about all the facts regarding the case and starts selling merch to raise awareness etc and when her efforts start getting noticed, they go viral and celebrities start demanding justice. She receives a graphic death threat and well, the whole story is surrounding this whole thing." 

I blink, thoroughly taken by the plot. "Do they get justice? Who is the killer?" 

"They are allowed to take the Alford Plea eighteen years later when damning DNA and circumstantial evidence comes against the step-father of one of the kids. But the culprit is never explicitly revealed." 

I lean forward to look at her in awe. "You are like, so, cool. I want to read it." 

She smiles at me and then scrunches her nose, her chin wrinkling and resembling a walnut and I bite it. 

"Maybe after I rewrite it. Now, it's my turn." 

"Go ahead," I say even though I don't want to, too scared of the kind of questions she'll ask. It could be about Dodo, it could be about the nature of our relationship, or it could be the question of her being replaceable or not in my life. 

"What do you fear the most in a relationship?" 

I exhale in relief. 

Even though I've never thought of the question before, the answer comes quickly and easily to me. "Not getting as much I give: love, attention, care, everything." 

Yeojoo nods, her eyes averted. "Yeah, I get it." 

***

_Hey,_

_It’s been almost a year since I came here. Happy 10 month anniversary of not talking to me, by the way :)_

_You are really something else, aren’t you?_

_You cut me out of your life just like that. So easily._

_We have known each other for 8 years. 8 YEARS. We dated for 4 years. We know each other like the back of our hands. I always thought that we’d stay in each other’s life forever in some way. But, here you are, proving me wrong. You’ve always been unpredictable but I would have to admit, this time took me by complete surprise._

_Can I tell you something?_

_I wasn’t expecting to get an admission letter but when I did, I almost considered not going because of you. But this has been my dream since I was 10. I had to do it, Dior. If I hadn’t I would have grown to resent you and didn’t you always say how you hated Pam giving up college because she missed Jim? So, I am pretty sure you’d have hated it too._

_Whatever I say now would sound like an excuse but the thing is this was my dream since I could dream but I was this close to giving it up, that’s how much I love you._

_For a while, I thought I would ask you to come with me. I actually gave my agent your qualifications and interest but then we had that conversation. You remember it? On that new cafe’s terrace? You told me how you can’t imagine settling somewhere else and how you’d hate to be separated by your mom and your culture and you have no interest in studying further._

_I felt so stupid at the time. It didn’t even enter my mind that something I so desperately wanted would be something you didn’t?_

_I didn’t tell you all this because I didn’t want to put you on the spot lest you decide to follow me here and then immediately regret it._

_I am not telling you all this now so that you would reply (okay, maybe a little bit) but because a year has passed. We’ve had some distance. Sangah told me you are in a better place now and even have a girlfriend. So, whatever decision you make wouldn’t be hasty and biased._

_Tell me then, would you come here for me now?_

_I love you._

_I miss you._

_Yours,_

_Dodo._

***

_It’s raining again today._

***

I get off the bus and look up at the sky. 

Someone hits my shoulder while running, bag above their head to save themself from the rain. 

The raindrops don’t discriminate. With all the hate I have for them, they embrace me just the same and drench my face. 

I take off my glasses, wet by rain and continue walking. 

I untie the knot of my favorite hoodie - Dodo’s hoodie - and uncover my head. The rain takes another part of me. 

I keep walking. 

What I am feeling is complicated. 

Sometimes I think of things in colors and textures. 

When Dodo left, my emotions were dark deep blue, soggy. 

After a while, it was black vacuum. 

When I met Wonhee, my feelings were grey cloudy. 

Sangah? Leafy green. 

When Yeojoo texted me that she loved my blue dress? Yellow sunshine.

Right now, it’s nothing: a blank white canvas made of cotton. 

I want to paint a color on it. But I am not sure what to pick. It’s just a color but the decision seems important. 

I climb the steps to the park. It’s empty except a couple sitting on the bench far away. 

I sit on the swings and push the ground with my feet. 

Holding the chains, I tilt my head up and let myself fly. 

I don’t know where to start. There’s one thing that I would give Dodo: like she implied if she had asked me at the time, I would have blindly followed her there. 

She has always been a huge influence in my life. So much so that, for a long while, I thought I wasn’t _gay_ but just gay for Dodo. 

I never felt attraction towards any man in my life but even then I thought that way because at the time, I didn’t think I could ever be attracted to anyone else who wasn't Dodo.

That’s how I was introduced to Dodo and that’s how big she has always been in my life. 

When I told her about my ‘just gay for you’ theory, she had a huge laughing fit and then we had a threesome with another girl and yeah, points were made.

But even then it was her who took the initiative to make me realize something about myself: something that was plunged deep inside me by my own subconscious resistance that wouldn’t let it come to the surface. 

Right now, it feels the same way.

As if she is again taking the initiative for me to let go of my passivity and fear, and dig my feelings out, drape them on a canvas sheet under the sun and parse through it.

Her saying that she wanted to ask me to come there should mean the world to me. 

But it doesn’t. 

I feel a little happy that I matter to her in the same way that she matters to me. I wasn't abandoned, I was let go. That makes me feel better but it's not the transcending kind of happiness that I had imagined. 

It’s so weird to live your life thinking when that would happen, you’d react this particular way but then it does happen and you feel the exact opposite. 

I put my feet down, halting with a jerk. 

I take out my phone. 

_"Tell me then, would you come here for me now?"_

My heart clenches. My eyes prickle.

I don’t feel yellow sunshine. 

I don’t feel black vacuum either. 

I feel...red bruise? 

I suck in a deep breath as I realize that I am not feeling pain for myself but for Dodo because somewhere during the four months since I started dating Yeojoo, I moved on. 

It’s not the ache of losing Dodo as my girlfriend but rather the ache for a friend who might not have moved on, who might still be waiting for me when I am not. 

Because the thing is: 

Right now, I can’t imagine my life with someone other than Yeojoo. And, yeah, I know, it’s just something that I am feeling right now and I might feel the same way about someone else in the future. 

Or I might not and forty years from now, I might wake up and Yeojoo would still be cooking me eggs with her earphones plugged in, startling when I hug her from behind. 

Maybe we’d still eat our breakfast together, her nose buried in the newspaper while I whine about how she is so old and can actually read the news on her phone. 

Maybe I’d pick a book from our huge bookshelf and it would have her snarky comments or notes written in pencil in the empty white space. 

Maybe we’d go to one of those modern art galleries and I would loudly make pretentious comments about getting it and she’d pretend that she doesn’t know me. 

Maybe sometime she’d let me cook for once, smiling painfully while stopping herself from giving me “suggestions”. 

Maybe in the evenings, we’d have wine and snacks while we watch a movie and when the night dawns, she’d whisper things about it in my ear as I try to sleep in her arms.

I close my eyes and push my feet again. 

_I love her, I guess._

The swing takes me for another ride. 

I smile. 

*** 

Yeojoo opens the door and looks my dripping form up and down. 

“Hi!” I lean down to give her a peck but she takes a step back. 

“I don’t think so. You are drenched. What the fuck?”

I grin. “I was having an emo moment in the rain.”

She folds her arms and arches her brow. “Couldn't you have it in the shower?” 

“Nope, I am au naturel, baby,” I say, my grin morphing my words.

She squints her eyes. “Why were you emo?” 

I shrug. “Just stuff. It’s all sorted out now.” I look down and see water dripping on her floor. “I’ll tell you later.” 

She follows my gaze and exhales loudly. “Wait here.” 

A minute later she comes back with two towels and throws one on my head and starts drying my hair roughly. 

I put a hand on her wrist. “Why did you stop dating four years ago?” 

She pauses and then tries to take off the towel that is hiding my face. I hold her wrist tightly and shake my head. 

“I dated two people back to back. Both long-term relationships and it took a lot out of me. I thought there was no point in dating anymore because I had nothing left to give and no desire to take.” 

She takes a step forward, lifts the towel and then comes under it. Our eyes meet in our strange canopy, our little pocket of time and space. 

She cups my cheek. “But then I met you, and I wanted to - want to - take so much of you and give you so much of me. I fell in love with you. Sometimes we underestimate our heart’s capacity to love and time’s capacity to heal.”

She strokes my cheek and I just stand there and feel.

Feel her touch, feel her words. 

_Purple petals._

I kiss her wrist, a soft smile stretching my lips.

“Now your turn, tell me why you were emo?” 

I take a deep breath, it fills my lungs and pushes the words out of me. 

“When I was 15, Dodo and I were lying down in a park. It rained in the evening but at that moment, the sky was sunny and there were so many clouds, fluffy and pretty. 

I could see so many shapes in them. 

So I turned to her and said, “That cloud looks like a chibi Ironman.” She looked at it, tilted her head in all directions, then stared at me and went, “Is that what you see?” I nodded and she said, “You have a great imagination. I wish I had your mind.” I looked away from her while blushing. 

That was the moment, I started liking her. 

Like, I can exactly pinpoint it. That’s how much effect it had on me. And I think that’s how I love. I fall in love with people who make me feel special. No- wait- people who actually believe that I am special and people who I believe are special.” 

She stares at me, taking in my words. Always paying so much attention to my stupid rants. And that’s it. That’s special. 

“Do I make you feel special?” 

I nod. 

“Do you think that I am special?” 

I nod again.

“Am I replaceable?” 

I don't have to look for an answer because it's already there, yellow sunshine piercing the deep blue surface. 

“Nope. There’s a hole in my heart that only your average-sized - not tiny! - body can fit. It’s Yeojoo shaped and no one else can fill it.” 

She grins and taps my cheek. “What a sap.” 

I pout.

She puts a hand behind the back of my head and drags it down and _oh, this is nice,_ I think against her lips. 

_I love you._

She pulls back and I wonder if somehow she telepathically heard me.

“Fuck me.” 

Oh, well, that works too. 

***

It’s not until she is standing against the wall after handing me the strap-on that I realize that she meant it literally. 

“Um. I thought you didn’t like penetration? If this is some kind of gestur-” 

She rolls her eyes, unbuttoning her cotton shirt a little wet courtesy of me. “I like it sometimes. I just don’t like doing it with the people I don’t trust. I trust you.” She beckons me with her finger and I go, a lost ship navigating uncharted waters using her trusty constellations. “Besides, what I don’t like is not being in control,” she grabs my waist and swats a hand on my ass, hard and just right, and I moan, “but make no mistake, I am still in control.” She sits down on the bed and pats it. “Come on, I’ll ride you.” 

I swallow and follow her lead. 

***

Later, as I am stuck to her back like a leech while she is cooking and she is uncharacteristically letting me do so - brandishing her knife only once in warning when my hand had started wandering - I recall our conversation and a switch flicks, the bulb of realization lights up, its light and heat flooding in me. 

_“I fell in love with you.”_

“You told me that you love me,” I lilt.

She grunts. “I did because I do. God, are you going to make a big thing out of it because miss me with that teenage shit.” 

I giggle in her ear. “Can you, like, say the actual words to me? Please.” 

A deep, very troubled sigh. “I love you.” 

I sway her in my arms, left and right, my chin on her head, my arms around her waist. “Dior and Yeojoo sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” 

“Oh my god!” 

She turns in my arms. 

I poke her nose with mine. “I wuv you too,” I say in my most childish voice. 

Her smile is a small thing until it expands and lifts her cheeks. Her starry eyes, her wrinkled chin, her squished nose and all the thousand things on her beautiful face twist my heart, confirming my words to me. 

“Ugh. Get the fuck out of my kitchen, you complete joker.” 

***

**8 months later**

_Dear Dodo,_

_Fuck you. Literally, shut up! Oh my god. That was so fucking embarrassing. I am never taking your advice again. We tried that position for like an hour. I felt like I was in those Blue is the warmest color sex scenes, that’s how NOT TURNED ON we were._

_I hate you. HUH._

_Don’t talk to me. And you better stay on your toes because I am going to prank you too. Watch out. Be careful of the maestro, I am going to get you too._

_Anyway, suggesting your best friend horrible sex positions aside, how is your dissertation going?_

_How is Minji? She texted me about what she should get you for your birthday. I gave her a very NICE suggestion ;) Practice your smile baby girl, because you are going to hate it._

_Oh yes, that’s right! You have already been GOTTEN. Hayyeee ya! (That’s a karate chop sound)._

_I did feel bad lying to her but oh my god, she is so cute and gullible. I like her so much. She is so fucking cute. She was all shy on facetime when I was teaching her how to make it._

_Oh yes, that’s right, she handmade it so REALLY REALLY practice your smile, sweetie._

_About your suggestion, I took your advice and Yeojoo gave me a push too so I think that I am going to apply for a teaching degree._

_Teaching kids would be really fun but also, maybe, I could teach teenagers and it would be cool to sculpt young minds and maybe teach them inclusivity while I am at it._

_Anyway, the whole thing is nerve-wracking but also very exciting. Really hoping for the college near Yeojoo’s place so she would drop me and give me free food._

_Okay, listen, don’t tell Sangah, okay? She’ll try to be sneaky and do that wink-wink-nudge-nudge thing in front of Yeojoo WHICH IS ACTUALLY REALLY OBVIOUS and Yeojoo will figure it out._

_Anyway, next week is our one year anniversary, right? I was looking for some snacks in her kitchen and I found this box in her top cabinet._

_It wasn’t wrapped but yeah, it had these heels in it (which I just one day said that I really liked and honestly, I have no idea, how she remembers me saying shit when I myself don’t. Anyway, so because of their unique position in the house, I immediately figured it out that it was my gift (because her keeping me out of the kitchen wouldn’t have aroused suspicion in me) and I kind of turned them up and down absentmindedly and a key fell out._

_YES, I THINK SHE IS GIVING ME A KEY TO HER PLACE._

_I AM SUPER EXCITED._

_She planned a hiking trip for that day which I am less excited about. Honestly, I could actually do without it. If an earthquake comes and destroys that mountain, I wouldn’t be mad about it. But at least, at the end of the trail, I would have a picnic with a gorgeous view, beautiful heels and a key to her place to look forward to :’)_

_Bro. I am like. So fucking excited. Bro!_

_P.S. Look forward to your gift._

_P.P.S. I met Sangah’s girlfriend, Hyunja and she is so hot and so fucking capable. Like, fix-your-car capable. She fixed Yeojoo’s car. Both Yeojoo and I agree that it was so anti heteronormative that it was hot. Also, objectively hot._

_Yours,_

_Dior_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tag yourself: I am 'whispering "Your friend is a pedo!' in your girlfriend's ears while she is thinking that you are having a moment'. 
> 
> And that's it. Initially, it was supposed to be a lazy, super short below 10k fic but alas, your girl doesn't know when to shut up. Anyway, I don't usually say it but this fic got really few kudos for some reason and I like myself too much to think that it's me so I would like to blame it on lesbophobia and misogyny (don't quote me on it though) so to counter it, share it with your sapphic friends and your girlfriends. Extra love to anyone who shares it with their girlfriend and tells me the part that they both really liked or just tell me anything about their girlfriend, honestly. Like, just tell me about your girlfriends, if you can: Are you a Yeojoo and your gf is a Dior? 
> 
> Also, thank you to people who commented here and on CC regarding this fic. FRIENDS, HOMIES, MAH FAM, thank you, you were the push that I needed to finish a fic for once. 
> 
> Lastly, the plot that Yeojoo is describing is actually inspired by a true story. Google 'West Memphis three'.
> 
> I am going through an attention-starved phase, so please feel free to spare some crumbs regarding this or my any other fic on: Twitter: [Agoodboi?](https://twitter.com/mellow_minhyuk) Curious Cat: [Agoodboi!](https://curiouscat.me/MellowMinhyuk) or just slide into mah DMs, ma. I don't care, I am a puddle of petrol wanting to be lit by your lighter, babies. Bye!


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